Will Trump’s Gobsmacking Iran Deal Make Bitcoin Zoom or Go Pop Like a Squashed Sweet?

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Well, butter my biscuit, you won’t believe the absolute nonsense that’s been spilling out of the news mill this past week, what with all the kerfuffle between Iran, the United States, and a whole gaggle of other nations squabbling like a bunch of overexcited seagulls fighting over a half-eaten fish and chip. And then, not five minutes ago, Donald Trump clambered onto his very own little social media soapbox to squawk that a big, permanent, totally-not-made-up deal with Iran is going to be announced tomorrow. TOMORROW, mark my words. Or, well, mark his words, if you can decipher them through all the ALL CAPS and accidental typos that sound like he typed it with his feet.

Now, as anyone who’s ever stared at a Bitcoin price chart till their eyes cross like a confused barn owl will know, the silly digital coin has a habit of throwing a complete wobbly any time there’s even a whisper of war news. One minute it’s sitting pretty, the next it’s dropping faster than a child’s ice cream on a hot summer day. So the million-dollar (or, well, million-Bitcoin) question now is: if Trump actually manages to deliver on this promise instead of letting it fizzle like a dud firework, will our favorite volatile digital plaything shoot for the stars, or faceplant into a pile of leftover Halloween candy?

In his very long, very rambling post on Truth Social (which, for anyone who hasn’t seen it, looks like it was typed by a golden retriever who had three espressos for breakfast), the POTUS started off by having a right old moan about the old Iran deal signed back when Barack Obama was in charge. He called that old deal a “smooth little slide straight to a Nuclear Weapon”, which, if we’re being honest, sounds exactly like something a disgruntled Oompa-Loompa would yell mid-protest at Willy Wonka’s factory. His own deal, mind you, is “the exact opposite”. Which, coming from him, almost certainly means it’s got far too many exclamation points, a forced photo op with a bunch of confused Middle Eastern leaders, and a free “I <3 Nukes NOT” sticker for everyone who signs it.

He kept banging on about how this new deal is going to be a BIG WALL TO STOP NUCLEAR WEAPONS, all caps obviously, because important things need to be shouted loud enough to scare a ghost. He also insisted that Iran has absolutely no interest in building a nuclear weapon anymore, “nor will they have one, either through buying it off a bloke down the pub, building it in their garage, or any other dodgy way of getting their hands on one”. Which is a relief, I suppose, though I’d take that promise with a pinch of salt the size of a full-sized Wonka chocolate bar.

But the real whopper, the absolute cherry on top of this very silly sundae, is his promise that the deal is “scheduled to get signed tomorrow, and immediately after it is signed, the Hormuz Strait is OPEN TO ALL!” Which, if you don’t spend your days memorizing shipping routes, is the narrow bit of water that a whole load of countries use to ship their oil, so opening it up is a bit like saying the school candy store is open to everyone except the kid who steals all the lollipops from the younger years. A very big, very important promise. Or, you know, a very big, very empty one, depending on how much you trust a man who once claimed he could declassify top secret documents with just his mind.

“We look forward to working with Iran, and the entire Middle East, long into the future. Hopefully, this process will all work out quickly, easily, and smoothly. If it doesn’t, we have the ultimate alternative, hopefully never to be used again,”

Which, for anyone who’s been paying attention for longer than five minutes, almost certainly translates to “we’ll drop so many bombs on them they’ll be nothing but a pile of very sad, very flat sand”. But hey, he added “hopefully never to be used again”, so that’s fine, right? Right?

For context, for anyone who’s been living under a rock (or, more likely, been so busy staring at their crypto portfolio they forgot what the sun looks like): Bitcoin took a right old nosedive the second this whole war kicked off back on February 28, dropping several thousand dollars faster than you can say “where did all my life savings go?”. But then, the second the first ceasefire deal was announced, and then again when it got extended? It shot up faster than a kid who just found out there’s a whole extra chocolate bar hidden at the bottom of their Easter egg. Up, up, and away, like a very volatile, very digital balloon.

So now, the whole Bitcoin community is practically bouncing off the walls, all crossed fingers and wishful thinking, convinced that if this deal actually gets signed tomorrow (and that’s a very big “if”, given this isn’t the first time Trump’s promised a big shiny, never-going-to-happen deal, like a kid swearing they’ll share their entire Halloween candy haul then hiding it under their mattress), we’re in for a proper, proper recovery. Which would be lovely, wouldn’t it? Unless, of course, the whole thing goes pop like an overinflated bouncy castle at a toddler’s birthday party, and we’re all left holding our very empty, very worthless digital lollipops.

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2026-06-13 20:38