Bill Ackman’s Stock Drama: Billions in Microsoft, Goodbye Uber & Mag 7 Faves

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Billionaire Bill Ackman, a man who clearly has too much time and money on his hands, has decided to play the stock market like it’s a Black Friday sale. His latest move? Pouring $2.092 billion (that’s a lot of billions, folks) into Microsoft, a company so reliably boring it makes accountants look like adrenaline junkies. Meanwhile, he’s dumping Uber and two of the so-called “Magnificent Seven” stocks. Because nothing says “financial genius” like treating your portfolio like a breakup text.

According to Pershing Square’s latest 13F filing-essentially the Wall Street version of a diary entry-Ackman’s crew bought 5.6 million Microsoft shares in Q1 2026. That’s enough to make Microsoft their fourth-largest holding, which is impressive if you consider the fund’s other investments probably include things like “literal gold bars” and “unobtanium.”

On the sell side, Uber got the cold shoulder. Pershing trimmed its UBER stake to a mere 29.9 million shares, worth a paltry $2.154 billion. Because who needs ride-hailing apps when you can just stare at spreadsheets and feel smug?

But wait-there’s more! Ackman also decided Alphabet (Google’s parent company) wasn’t cool enough to hang out with anymore. They dumped 645,921 shares of GOOGL and a whopping 5.8 million shares of GOOG, slashing holdings by 95%. That’s like breaking up with your partner via a spreadsheet titled “Reasons You’re a Loser.”

And just to prove he’s not heartless, Ackman also reduced his Meta (META) stake by… well, not much, really. He sold 12,708 shares, leaving him with a cozy $1.5 billion stake. Because who doesn’t want to own a company that’s basically a digital landfill for cat memes and conspiracy theories?

As of March 31st, Pershing Square’s top holding is Brookfield Corporation (BN), a Canadian investment firm that sounds like a hipster coffee shop. Amazon and Uber are still in the top five, but clearly, the vibe is shifting. Microsoft’s in, Mag 7 stocks are out, and the rest of us are just here wondering if Ackman’s next move involves buying a timeshare in the Caymans.

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2026-05-23 17:27