The Valley Recap: The Ties That Bond

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Let’s be clear: I’m not discussing the drama between Danny and Jasmine, Danny and Janet, or Janet and Nia. I’m simply not interested. Everyone seems to agree on the basics: Danny shouldn’t have touched Jasmine, but he apologized. Janet overreacted when she called him out, and Nia refuses to acknowledge her husband’s flaws or let others discuss them. That’s all there is to it. The latest episode just showed everyone at their worst – Danny getting drunk and out of control, Janet making an extreme comparison between Danny and Charles Manson, Luke needlessly getting involved, Kristen making a dull conversation even worse by being confrontational, and Brittany reliving her painful relationship with Jax. It felt like a sped-up version of last season’s issues.

I’m sorry, but we need to move on. I can’t do it again. I can’t keep watching this same fight. I will reiterate that either Janet and Jason or Danny and Nia need to go, or everyone needs to take a vow of silence about this old shit. This one stupid fight is keeping the whole cast divided and on their own individual sides. Maybe we need new characters, maybe we need someone else for everyone to be mad at, so that we can redraw the lines of the show.

I think producers thought that person would be Lacy, but I think she’s showing why she was never cast for The Real Housewives of Orange County, even though she auditioned 17 times. I don’t know that Lacy has the goods to create conflict or make a story. That said, she’s actually good as an observer and in a confessional. (Ugh, complimenting Lacy feels like itching a rash, good in the moment, but making the problem worse.) Last episode, when she peeked at each pizza at Zack’s party and said “ew” was excellent work. This week, she talks about how her plans for Schwartz’s James Bond party would be different: valet parking, butlers holding Champagne, passed canapés, and million-dollar décor. Has she not been to one of these parties? Does she not know that these are the alumni of Vanderpump Rules? She’s lucky that there are even paper plates at this affair.

Speaking of their baser tastes, Jesse and Lacy meet Kristen and Luke, a bowl of Cap’n Crunch with Sunny D in it instead of milk, at the farmers’ market to go to the pickle stand. Kristen is on a first-name basis with the pickle guy because she loves them so much and thinks other people need to love them as much as she does. As soon as she says that, I come up with my whole argument for how pickles are disgusting. I hate the taste, the texture, that restaurants sneak them onto your plate without permission, and that they give everything they touch that pickle taste, and also all the germs of everyone in the kitchen just grabbing them with their bare hands. Ugh. Gross. Just as I’m thinking all this, Lacy says, “I don’t care if it’s a pickle handpicked by God, I hate pickles.” Stop making me almost like Lacy. I don’t wanna.

Another side character who I’m coming around to is Benji, the Teller to Zack’s Penn. (Teller is the silent one, right?) I appreciate that Benji is the only one who showed up in a real costume at the James Bond party, complete with an eye patch and a furry cat to pet. That is dedication. That is thinking outside of the box. Zack was wearing a blue suit and a cheap button-up with a contrasting placket (that’s the part of a shirt with the buttons), the rest of the guys are in tuxes, and Benji is over here saying, “Hold my Monster Energy Drink(–branded fridge)” and turning a lewk. Between this and (ugh, here we go again) catching Danny sneaking a cocktail at the party last week, Benji is a dark horse.

While it’s not a reason to love Benji per se, I appreciate that Zack and Jasmine talk about Benji’s immigration status, given everything that is going on in the good old U. S. of A. in regard to that topic. Bravo is truly one of the last purple cultural forces, and I think it’s important that people see how government policies are impacting very real people, especially those whom we know through the TV screen. Also, don’t worry about getting married for a visa, Zack. I certainly did! I was in a relationship already, but the visa just pushed the issue, and it’s all worked out. I see the same for him and Benji, our own silent assassin.

Brittany’s ex-boyfriend, Brandon, is a minor character in this story. They initially dated in Kentucky, rekindled things in California, and she eventually broke up with him. Things got messy when Brittany received a text from Brandon’s ex-wife saying their four-year-old daughter mentioned Brandon was with another woman, even video chatting with her. That’s a huge warning sign – multiple women, a child caught in the middle, and clear dishonesty. To make matters worse, he repeatedly asked Brittany for money. It’s a really bad situation, and Brittany needs to be careful.

I completely agree with Lala – Jax really did a number on Brittany’s self-worth, and she needs time to rebuild that. Honestly, jumping into something new right now feels like she’s drawing the wrong kind of attention, people who will take advantage of the vulnerabilities Jax created. Brittany, please just take some time to be alone! I’m picturing her having fun hanging out with Zack and Benji at gay bars – seriously, there are so many genuinely fun guys who’d buy her a drink while those two casually let people know they think someone’s cute. A little time with some good gay friends and some therapy? That’s exactly what Brittany needs right now.

It’s amusing that Jax is somehow involved, especially since he lives next door to Tom Schwartz. I was curious how he’d react to the cameras being so close, thinking he might try to rejoin the show, but it turns out he’s actually out of town. They needed to use Schwartz’s house as a filming location, but it’s a really bad choice – way too many stairs! Jason struggled to get upstairs after his injury, and then Brittany, still recovering from surgery, had to climb multiple flights. It’s a lot to have so many people on the show dealing with medical issues. While Jason’s accident was unavoidable, couldn’t Brittany have scheduled her elective surgery for a time when the cameras weren’t around? I understand she was hoping for a discount by giving her doctors publicity, but why not do that in the last episode? We could have seen the surgery, the results, and then just seen her looking great at the reunion a few months later – wouldn’t that have been even better promotion?

The episode concludes with Jesse bringing Michelle up to the roof for a conversation. I expected him to question her about changing her wedding ring into a necklace, but that wasn’t what he focused on. Instead, he brought up their time at the coffee shop, when she asked him to sign the divorce papers and became upset about the end of their marriage. He also mentioned hearing her at Zack’s party say she was happy to be free of a harmful relationship, and he’s trying to understand which explanation is true.

Michelle explained that the situation felt hurtful because it reminded her of her difficult divorce and her mother’s illness. She also admitted it was painful to watch Jesse treat Lacy the way she’d always wished her husband would treat her. She shared that she had to leave her marriage because of her husband’s behavior and expressed how challenging everything was. But her most impactful statement was simply, “Can we go? I’m tired.” This perfectly captures the frustration many viewers feel with the show’s recurring patterns. It’s Jesse repeatedly dwelling on minor issues to feel superior, and it’s exhausting. These storylines – with Danny, Janet, and now Jesse – have run their course. Like Michelle, we’re all ready for something new and a fresh start.

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2026-06-11 17:56