The Valley Recap: Boys of Summer

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I honestly have no idea what the men on this show are trying to accomplish. After watching for an hour, I’m so frustrated I just want a simple white t-shirt with the word “MEN?” on it. Seriously, I’m at the point where I’d happily start over with an entirely new gender – even throwing all the men I’ve ever loved (including those with mustaches I see on Instagram) into the mix! We’ve reached a hopeless point.

The show gets off to a strange start when Danny introduces the “Mister Milker” – a bib designed to hold bottles, supposedly to simulate the experience of breastfeeding. Honestly, no man will actually understand breastfeeding just by having bottles strapped to his chest. It’s like changing where you put a cup holder in a car – it changes how you hold the bottle, but not the experience itself. It won’t feel anything like a baby latching on, with their gums and lips, tiny nails digging in, and a little hand pulling at your hair. Maybe if the Mister Milker was something actually painful, like a rabbit nibbling on him, he might get a small idea, but even then, no. And to top it off, he puts a photo of Nia on his face, hoping to look like her. It doesn’t work – he just ends up looking like a dry cleaner with celebrity pictures plastered all over the walls.

Okay, so this hangout the guys had at the cigar bar? Let’s just say it was exactly as awkward as you’d expect. Jesse showed up looking like a miniature version of Vince Vaughn from Swingers – seriously, a fedora and everything! Luke, sporting some seriously questionable Teva sandals, called the whole thing hoping to get Danny and Jason to patch things up after their fight last season, and honestly, I was already tired just watching it happen. Danny wasn’t willing to talk to Jason, and Jason couldn’t bring himself to admit he was wrong, so I kept wondering what the point of this meeting even was. Danny’s right, though – Janet and Jason really stuck their noses where they didn’t belong and made a bad situation way worse. Jason does have a point that even though Danny didn’t directly do anything to Janet, other women in the group might be uncomfortable around him. But that argument felt totally lost when things escalated and someone threw around the term “sexual assault,” and Jason’s apology for that was… minimal, to say the least.

It’s frustrating to revisit this same pointless argument from last season. If the men can’t move past it, things will really explode when the women get involved, especially with the producers trying to force everyone to make peace. Someone – likely Jason and Janet – needs to admit they were wrong, apologize, and drop it. Otherwise, a couple – probably Janet and Jason again – will have to leave the show, because we can’t keep repeating this cycle indefinitely.

The focus of this moment is really on Tom Schwartz. (Actually, his middle name is William!) The story begins with Tom, Jesse, and Jason getting manicures and pedicures at a salon designed to appeal to men – it has leather chairs, sports on TV, Joe Rogan playing, and even pin-up pictures in the bathroom. Schwartz tells his friends that he, Lala, and Michelle are planning a singles’ night at the Belmont, a bar where Tom met his ex-wife, Katie, and where the new cast of Vanderpump Rules hopes to become famous. As they leave, Schwartz flirts with Summer, the receptionist, inviting her to the Belmont, and she casually agrees. It makes you wonder how many times clients have asked her out, how often she says yes, and how many times she’s gone home and laughed with her girlfriend about how clueless men are – maybe one of them should just take a hammer to the head!

Schwartz runs into Lala and Michelle at a bar, and Michelle brings her single friend Natalie, who immediately catches Schwartz’s eye. Natalie is strikingly attractive, and Schwartz is clearly smitten. He offers to step outside with her for a cigarette – he’s taken up smoking recently, likely as a way to cope with turning a new chapter in his life. They hit it off right away, with Schwartz using his signature charm and playfully touching her arm. Lala and Michelle are thrilled, convinced they’ve set up the perfect match. But just when things seem to be going well, Summer unexpectedly arrives!

I was completely shocked! I nearly fell off the couch and scattered my chips everywhere when she showed up. And it wasn’t just that she was there, she seemed really interested in Schwartz. It was incredibly forward – he was sucking on a lollipop, and she asked for one and even asked him to put it in her mouth. It was way more obvious than anything Danny ever did with the Mister Milker. It’s possible she’s a fan who wanted to be on the show and meet her favorite people, maybe even get a kiss from Tom on camera. Who knows? But Tom keeps flirting with Natalie instead of shutting things down with Summer. He’s clearly confused. Lala is just making fun of Summer’s hair, but she actually recognizes the situation. She’s been there before, using attention to get on TV and being teased for her appearance by an older guy – like when Kristen made fun of her hair in the past.

Schwartz messes everything up. He ends things with both Summer and Natalie, and walks away into the busy streets of West Hollywood, claiming he has a crush on someone else, which is why he can’t reciprocate Natalie’s feelings as Michelle wants. Is this new crush Summer? Or someone we haven’t met yet? It’s typical Schwartz to be interested in someone not shown on screen while still leading Michelle, Natalie, and Summer on, much like Jesse’s habit of collecting silly hats and trying to manage it all.

Kristen and Luke are going on a date night, and Tom, Brittany, and Zack are back to help with childcare. Kristen mentions Zack and Schwartz sweetly gifted her a coupon for four hours of babysitting, but she also wanted Brittany there to supervise both the baby and the babysitters. Tom confidently takes charge at first, but quickly passes the crying baby to Brittany, jokingly saying they need to “abort.” Zack immediately points out that’s not an appropriate word to use around a baby – a surprisingly helpful contribution from him during the whole situation.

Kristen and Luke are struggling with their first date night since their baby arrived, both feeling stressed and like they aren’t connecting. Earlier in the episode, Kristen confided in Brittany and Jasmine about how much she dislikes her post-baby body and feels disconnected from herself. While I wasn’t always a fan of Kristen—even after she was proven right during the ‘Scandoval’—her behavior on The Valley showed she hadn’t really grown, often creating drama and getting upset over small things. But becoming a mother has changed how I see Kristen. I now feel more empathy and understanding for her than ever before. It’s strange to admit, but I’d fiercely defend her now, and that’s all thanks to this baby.

During their date night, Kristen confronts Luke, upset that he doesn’t seem to respect her. She points to him going out, falling asleep on the couch despite promising not to, and being too hungover to help with the baby. Luke responds by saying he feels she doesn’t respect him. Kristen shifts her gaze and removes her glasses, signaling she’s ready to have a serious conversation – and Luke is about to be on the receiving end. Throughout the episode, we’ve seen glimpses of Kristen’s more intense side, and Luke is definitely pushing her buttons right now.

Luke is struggling with being a new dad, feeling cut off from his support system. He moved to be with Kristen and start a family, and it’s understandably been a big adjustment. Having a baby changes everything – routines, priorities, and even how you see yourself. It’s especially tough while recovering from childbirth, dealing with a changing body, and navigating intense hormonal shifts. As Kristen pointed out, it’s unfair for Luke to compare his experience to hers. What she really needs right now isn’t a competition, but a break. She needs time to process her feelings – to cry, vent, and just be – even if that means escaping for an hour while dealing with the physical realities of being a new mom.

They’ve decided to try couples counseling, which is a positive step, and I believe it will help them navigate this new chapter in their lives. Kristen’s willingness to try counseling is a change from her usual behavior, though her impulsive exit from the bar feels familiar. As she heads to the car, she suddenly stops and realizes what lies ahead: endless nights of feeding, comforting, and soothing a crying baby. She anticipates constantly supporting Brittany and making Schwartz and Zack feel needed despite their inaction, as well as managing Luke’s hurt feelings. She wonders how much more she can handle, how many more sleepless nights she’ll have to endure. But then she focuses on the joys of motherhood – the sweet smell of her baby Kaia’s head, the rhythm of her breathing as she rocks her to sleep, and the promise of a full life ahead. For the first time, she realizes she’s not walking away from a problem, she’s moving toward something meaningful.

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2026-04-23 04:58