Coinbase Chaos: Bitcoin, Lobbying, and a Billion-Dollar Stablecoin Plot!

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In the bustling corridors of crypto grandeur, where ledgers gleam like polished boots in the morning sun, Coinbase executives-most notably the illustrious Brian Armstrong and the ever-dutiful Faryar Shirzad-have declared, with the solemnity of a parish priest on Easter Sunday, that recent whispers of villainy are nothing but a malicious prank of the imagination. Allegedly, they are not lobbying against a certain tax exemption for Bitcoin, although one might wonder how such whispers sprouted in the first place.

The drama, of course, erupted with the subtlety of a cannon shot on X (formerly known as Twitter) on a fine Wednesday, dragging billionaires like Jack Dorsey into this theatrical production of accusations and counter-accusations. Some zealous Bitcoin devotees claim that our dear Coinbase, in hushed tones over Washington coffee, has suggested that Bitcoin’s tax exemption is “dead on arrival” because, heaven forbid, anyone might actually use it as money. Oh, the scandal!

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The fabled de minimis tax exemption is regarded by Bitcoin enthusiasts as nothing less than the Holy Grail of cryptocurrency commerce. Were it to pass, one could sip a morning coffee without the IRS lurking over the rim of one’s cup, quivering with spreadsheets and forms. But, alas, rumor has it that Coinbase dreams only of USDC, that shiny stablecoin darling, turning Bitcoin into a mere spectator at its own feast.

The USDC Cash Cow

Ah, the sweet scent of profit! Coinbase, ever the diligent cowherd of finance, has cultivated a monstrous stablecoin empire. In 2025 alone, they reportedly milked $1.35 billion from their USDC herd-a tidy 48% increase over the previous year. And where does this bounty spring from? From the safe, predictable fields of U.S. Treasuries, nestled snugly in the USDC reserve pasture. One can almost hear the coins chuckle as they accumulate interest with impunity.

Thanks to the whimsical GENIUS Act of July 2025, pundits forecast that USDC revenue might swell sevenfold if adoption blooms among everyday consumers. Each coffee purchased with USDC rather than Bitcoin leaves a little more gold tucked in Coinbase’s vaults, ensuring risk-free delight for the exchange.

The Pushback

Faced with these ghastly allegations, Coinbase rose like a general in full regalia, sword drawn and eyebrows arched. Brian Armstrong, that noble champion of crypto truth, declared the rumors “misinformation” with all the gravitas of a cathedral bell.

“Where this tale began, I know not-perhaps in the minds of those who enjoy drama-but let it be known, it is entirely false. I have lobbied for Bitcoin’s tax exemption with vigor, and shall continue,” he proclaimed, arms metaphorically akimbo.

Faryar Shirzad, a man whose very title suggests policy and gravitas, added his voice to the choir of denial: the accusations are a “total lie.”

Dorsey Joins the Fray

And then, like a character from a serialized novella, Jack Dorsey, steadfast Bitcoin maximalist and guardian of payment networks, confronted Armstrong with all the polite curiosity of a cat in a library: “Hope this is true for de minimis as well. @brian_armstrong?”

Armstrong, with the swiftness of a man who has faced such questions before, confirmed that Coinbase was indeed not plotting any nefarious anti-Bitcoin cabals.

Yep

– Brian Armstrong (@brian_armstrong) March 11, 2026

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2026-03-12 09:35