CFTC Finally Admits Their Bureaucracy Is Making Crypto Bros As Unhinged As Dostoevsky’s Underground Man

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they can’t.

Among their questions: does your little DeFi protocol, the one you built in your mom’s basement that lets people trade tokens named after cartoon dogs, fit into their existing registration framework? (Answer: no, unless you register every smart contract, every wallet, and every time a guy in Ohio buys $10 worth of your token.) Are some registration requirements so broad they require you to report every time you buy a coffee with your business debit card? And which rules make it impossible for a fintech startup to partner with a big bank without handing over 51% of their company to a private equity vulture who has never used a computer in his life?

The CFTC also wants you to name names: point out every stupid rule, every confusing guidance document, every exemptive order that only applies to Goldman Sachs, and every no-action letter written in a language only lawyers high on espresso can understand, that should be thrown in the trash immediately.

CFTC Realizes Their Registration Process Is More Humiliating Than Siberian Exile

The agency is finally admitting that fintech companies face registration hurdles more humiliating than being sent to a Siberian labor camp for a crime you didn’t commit. They’re asking for recommendations on how to simplify the process without, God forbid, letting another Sam Bankman-Fried steal billions and buy a politician’s support. Let’s be real: the current rules didn’t stop SBF, so maybe we can skip the part where we pretend the rules are protecting anyone except the big banks that pay the CFTC’s salaries.

The Commission says all the info they gather could lead to new guidance, policy statements, interpretive letters, or even actual rulemaking-though let’s not hold our breath, since the last time they promised to modernize their rules, it took them 12 years to decide if Bitcoin was a commodity or a security, and they still haven’t made up their minds.

CFTC Also Wants To Let You Bet On Whether The Cubs Will Ever Win The World Series

This RFI comes as the CFTC is also wasting time on other crypto and derivatives regulation, because why solve one problem when you can invent 10 more? Just last week, they proposed a new framework for prediction markets, because apparently the CFTC has nothing better to do than decide if you should be allowed to bet $5 that the Knicks will finally make the playoffs this year, or that your weird uncle will win the town council election running on a “free pizza for everyone” platform.

Instead of banning prediction markets outright like a bunch of fun-hating Puritans who think betting on a football game is a sin worse than stealing from orphans, they want to review each contract individually. Which means some poor intern is going to have to read 10 million comments from guys betting that Elon Musk will move to Mars by 2027, to make sure it doesn’t “conflict with the public interest.” Because nothing says “public interest” like spending tax dollars to make sure no one loses $5 on a bet that will never pay out.

This Whole Farce Exists Because Trump Signed A Piece Of Paper Telling Bureaucrats To Stop Being So Useless

This review was launched to comply with Executive Order 14405, signed May 19, 2026, by Donald Trump-a man who has never met a regulation he didn’t want to blow up, unless it was one that helped him avoid paying taxes. The order tells all federal financial regulators to root out rules that kill innovation, especially for small fintech firms that don’t have a team of 50 lawyers to bribe their way through red tape.

The order defines fintech so broadly it includes everyone from the guy selling Bitcoin on the street corner to the big bank that just added a “digital wallet” feature to their app that crashes 40% of the time. Which means even the big banks, who wrote most of the stupid rules in the first place, are now pretending they’re victims of overregulation. The absolute gall of these people.

The order gives regulators 180 days to encourage innovation while “preserving financial stability and consumer protections”-two fancy phrases that just mean “don’t let the big banks lose money, and don’t let regular people get scammed too badly, but if the banks do scam people, that’s fine as long as they donate to the right politicians.”

Don’t Hold Your Breath Waiting For Actual Deregulation

Now, don’t quit your compliance job to launch a DeFi exchange just yet. The CFTC has made it very clear this RFI is not an actual rulemaking, just a fancy survey that could lead to regulatory changes-if they feel like it. They say responses could lead to amended rules, updated guidance, streamlined licensing, or other actions to reduce barriers for fintech firms. Or they could just file all the comments in a basement cabinet and forget about them for 10 years, which is what they did the last time they asked for public input.

The agency also admitted this counts as a “significant regulatory action,” and that it could lead to deregulatory measures under Executive Order 14192, that other Trump order supposed to cut red tape across federal agencies. Which is nice, but let’s be real: the only deregulation that ever actually happens is the kind that lets big banks steal more money, while small guys still have to fill out 800 forms to sell a $10 token. Still, we can dream, right? Or at least rant about it while we fill out the forms, like the miserable, spiteful characters Dostoevsky wrote about, grinding our teeth as the bureaucracy crushes us, one form at a time.

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2026-06-16 21:09