‘You’re Here to Find Husbands, and You Can’t Marry Each Other’

by

The eighth season of Love Is Blind was filled with some of the most questionable men in the show’s history (with Daniel being an exception; Christmas, you’re off the hook). During the reunion, it was revealed that Devin Buckley hid his political views and was financially shady, Ben Mezzenga disappeared after promising to meet Sara Carton in Nashville, and Joey Leveille never truly loved Monica Danús. The fact that Dave Bettenburg, who treated fiancée Lauren O’Brien like Hester Prynne and showed no backbone throughout the season, appeared relatively better during the reunion speaks volumes about the maturity level of this group of men. After a season lacking in drama, their exes dished out a feast of justified anger, holding the men accountable for their actions.

In the recounting of their experiences, these individuals shared a wealth of details about events that transpired behind the scenes during filming as well as post-show incidents. The scarcity of records led several men to adopt a strategy of denial. However, the women were ready, corroborating each other’s accounts and serving as witnesses. This unity among women can be attributed to bonds forged within the pods, as stated by Molly Mullaney, who dated Bettenburg but departed when he chose O’Brien for a proposal. As Meg Fink adds, “Those are the people you confide in about everything. You observe their expressions, their body language. There’s a more physical connection. The relationships within the pods become quite significant because they’re tangible, and the relationships with men aren’t yet.” Vulture convened Danús, Mullaney, O’Brien, and Fink at an SXSW reunion watch party to delve into the development of their relationships during production and how they sustained them even after Minneapolis was no longer under the cameras’ gaze. “We did receive a comment [from production] along the lines of, ‘Remember, you’re here to find husbands and you can’t marry each other,’ Mullaney recalls. To which they all responded, somewhat skeptically, “Are you sure?

In discussions about Love Is Blind, a phrase frequently used is “girl’s girl.” To clarify, being a “girl’s girl” on this show doesn’t necessarily mean consciously thinking, “This is me being a girl’s girl,” but rather showing genuine care and concern for another woman, as Molly Mullaney did with Lauren. Essentially, the term “girl’s girl” can be understood as prioritizing women’s well-being, thoughts, and feelings above men’s, which Molly believes is crucial to leading a fulfilling life.

The girls’ lounge is usually filled with laughter and camaraderie in the beginning, as we build forts and share stories about potential encounters with James Lafferty. It’s a time of bonding, enjoyment, and shared experiences. However, things become more intense during the second half. Emotions deepen, situations feel more real, and you start to think, “How should I approach this? Do I need to change my mindset?

Is there an unspoken etiquette or code of conduct among the ladies in the lounge about how they should interact with one another, or did their genuine camaraderie and enjoyment of each other make such rules unnecessary?

Meg: It means supporting each other, especially in standing up for what’s right. When Molly mentioned “decentering men,” I agree with her sentiment but also think it involves being open and frank about men’s actions when necessary. For instance, saying something like, “I see this as an issue, let’s discuss it.” This can be challenging to do. It might mean expressing disapproval such as, “I don’t appreciate the way you’re treating my friend,” or, “I don’t agree with the comment you made.

From my perspective, it seemed like our engagement came about fairly swiftly after watching the show together.

Monica: Since everyone had equal time, our discussions in the lounge were quite similar. I was part of all the activities with the women, such as building forts, bonding, and playing games. The footage didn’t capture everything due to the heavy filming and limited time, but I was indeed present throughout those moments.

On Love Is Blind, there seems to be a recurring issue of miscommunication: what the women hear isn’t always what the men intended. Navigating these varying interpretations of truth can be tricky. It’s challenging because you’re often reacting quickly and not necessarily delving deeper into the conversation to clarify any misunderstandings.

What I find challenging is recognizing things I may not consciously notice. For example, when I told Lauren about seeing Dave, I didn’t realize she had any reaction until I rewatched the conversation. It struck me later, “I should have sensed that she had a feeling about it.” Yet, in my mind at the time, I thought, Oh yes, Lauren would have let me know. However, Lauren is an individual with her own ways, and so it’s understandable she chose to keep her feelings more private.

Lauren: We were all thrilled at the prospect of finding our future spouses, and since you felt that way too about this particular individual, it’s understandable. However, let me clarify that I was equally enthusiastic about him as well.

The women’s relationships on the show are secondary but seem to be the most significant moving forward. However, this was something we were aware of as it unfolded. We received a comment from production that went like, “Remember, you’re here to find husbands and you can’t marry each other.” To which we all responded with a look that said, “Is that really necessary?”

Meg: Those are the individuals you frequently engage with on various topics. You can observe their expressions, their gestures. There’s a stronger physical connection. It plays a significant role in your life within the pods since it offers a tangible aspect, and the relationships with the others aren’t as developed yet.

Monica: The women served as pillars for maintaining those fundamental connections. Since we were there with the intention of finding a partner, we still interacted with friends and relatives, much like in everyday life. We’d share feelings, discuss concerns, and seek advice, just as you would with loved ones back home. Since our own friends and family were unavailable, we took on that role for each other, essentially becoming one another’s close confidants.

Lauren: Definitely! Every few days, we’d have group chats with the five engaged couples: “So, how are you all doing?” Our relationships with our partners during that time were crucial, as it felt like we were the only ones experiencing this journey. Hearing that others were going through similar challenges was incredibly comforting and made the experience more bearable for me.

Did they also talk about the experience of filming?
Monica: Absolutely. It’s not just us; we have ordinary lives with jobs, friends, and families. The sudden presence of cameras feels strange, like “This is insane, this isn’t how things usually are.” Plus, there were intense questions and a whirlwind of emotions in quick succession. Combine that with the camaraderie of discussing it all with the other women: “The cameras feel especially intrusive today. Am I the only one feeling self-conscious?”, or “You guys feel this too?” We were reassuring each other, saying, “This isn’t typical, but it’s okay. You can handle it.

Is the experience you have with other women distinct from what you share with your partner?
Monica: Absolutely. Since we spent so much time in our couples, isolated from each other, it was like, “You know, this feels a bit awkward today. I wonder if they’re feeling the same or are we just overreacting.” Sharing feelings and discussions with one another made it seem more normal and secure during filming.

Meg: I was quite worried as I knew the journey they were portrayed in the show was a deeply intense one. I kept in touch with Monica, talking and spending time together. Similarly, I reached out to Sara to check on her, letting her know that if she wanted to talk about anything, I was always there for her, since it’s all quite overwhelming. In truth, we may never truly understand what they experienced during this process.

Molly: We wanted to touch base with them, but they were swamped with their lives. Their schedules were hectic, and they’d occasionally message us something like, “I’m not feeling good today, but I’m hanging in there.” Unfortunately, we couldn’t spend as much time supporting them as we wished. It was still beneficial for us to have the other girls who had experienced the same process when we returned. I reached out to my loved ones and shared, “I adore you all. I’ll share what transpired one day, but not just yet.” Having a circle of women who understood our experiences, the feelings involved, and everything that went on inside was crucial for me.

Lauren: Following our split with Dave over the weekend, my filming duties were completed, and I found myself at a bar surrounded by friends. Incidentally, some of my college girlfriends were in town, which made the whole situation incredibly comforting. I recall embracing each of you after the breakup, finding solace in knowing that you understood what I was going through. It was reassuring to have a moment where we could almost sympathize over our shared trauma.

Monica: After the wedding, we all got together fairly quickly since my wedding was one of the last ones. We didn’t have much information about other people’s weddings yet, so I would run into Lauren in the hotel hallway and ask, “What happened? Fill me in.” We exchanged a few words here and there, but it took some time before we could all sit down together and talk openly about our feelings. Meg and I are very close, but my experience was still something only I truly understood. Even though I could describe it to them, they might not know what to say in that moment. The girls who had gone through a similar situation were more able to empathize because they knew exactly how I felt.

At the reunion, it felt like the women were this united front. 
Lauren: The women came prepared.

Molly: We definitely talked about it beforehand. There were many instances that I had seen unfold. I let the others know, “If you need me to chime in, I’ll share my perspective.” That was how I got ready for it – simply presenting what I heard and supporting them as much as I could.

Lauren: To get ready, I took some time to process my own breakup and reflect on my past relationships. I wanted to approach this topic without being emotionally charged. I also had discussions with other women about not interfering in others’ relationships, as they are personal experiences. If my perspective aligned with theirs, I was prepared to share it for support.

Meg: We were prepared to intervene if necessary, but everyone stood firm and was deeply committed to expressing our feelings during the reunion. We didn’t back down or hide our emotions. While some did defend each other, it wasn’t really needed because we all found our strength and spoke up confidently. In the end, it was empowering for us to share our truths, making the experience beautiful in its own way.

Did it seem like everyone pitching in made the task smoother?
Meg: Absolutely, I think so. It reminded me of when we were all discussing things, and I said, “Let’s get this done.” Everyone was hitting the nail on the head, articulating what needed to be said, leaving no stone unturned, and wrapping up any loose ends.

Monica acknowledged that the reunion was likely to be challenging, given their peaceful nature from Minnesota. Speaking one’s truth isn’t something they usually do comfortably. However, they were all aware that this gathering wasn’t intended to be enjoyable but necessary. On a personal level, it was essential for healing, releasing past issues, and going through the grieving process. She felt compelled to express her truth openly, without any regrets. Everyone had their own narrative, and they deserved to share it freely. The conversations during the reunion were encouraging, with messages like, “This is your time to claim your story, use your voice, and feel whole again. We won’t steal your moment or your power, but if you need support, we will be there for you.

Read More

2025-03-11 19:55