You Won’t Believe Who’s Replacing Warren Buffett at Berkshire Hathaway! 🥸🤣

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Oh, marvel! Oh, spectacle, sweet audience! The venerable Messire Warren Buffett, chief puppeteer of the grand spectacle known as Berkshire Hathaway, didst arise at the congregation of gentle shareholders and, with all the pomp of a Sunday roast, announced he shall graciously retire by the close of 2025. One wonders if he shall spend the idle hours counting his coins or merely discoursing with the portraits upon his walls.

From the modern oracle, CNBC (which surely stands for Ce N’est Bonne Chose), we discover that Greg Abel—vice chairman of The Kingdom of Not-Insurance and Buffett’s chosen squire—shall ascend to the almighty throne, if the Grand Council of Bearded Directors, pardon, Board of Directors, should nod approvingly. Lord Buffett declared:

“The time has arrived when Greg should become the Chief executive officer of the company at year-end, and I want to spring that on the directors effectively and give that as my recommendation.”

Ho ho! But fret not: our Buffett, like an unmovable piece of antique furniture, shall haunt the halls in an advisory apparition, whispering ancient finance sorcery in young Greg’s ear—though, as he assures us, “the final word would be what Greg decided,” meaning Warren will merely wave from the wings, flipping coins. Did I mention the treasure chest overflows with some $348 billion? One does not merely stroll away from such a dragon hoard, but rather tiptoes (or at least checks one’s pockets before departing).

Behold, our modern Midas, bedevilled not by leaden touch but by an endless supply of greenbacks, has oft decried the monstrous, swelling debt of the United States, shaking his parchment fist at the gods of macroeconomics who seem to toss the stock market like an overcooked soufflé. 🍮

Berkshire Hathaway Outperforms S&P, but Bitcoin Throws Down the Gauntlet! 🏆💸

Ah! While Berkshire’s ships have brought home double the bounty of the humble S&P 500 for many a moon, even Buffett’s alchemy cannot outrun the cursed Bitcoin—spawn of shadowy Satoshis and darling of digital pirates. O irony! Though Berkshire’s precious “Class A” stock, costlier than a royal ransom (over $809,000 a pop!), sits atop a trillion-dollar mountain, its sturdy legs turn to jelly next to the sprightly Bitcoin, which leapt a staggering 781% since but 2020, leaving Berkshire plodding along at a mere 150% gain. The tortoise and the hare, but this time the hare is a pixelated coin with commitment issues.

Buffett, in a fit of scorn worthy of Tartuffe, has oft denounced Bitcoin, declaring it naught but “smoke and mirrors”—a chimera, a jest, a ponzi buffet for Internet jesters. He and his stalwart lieutenant, Charlie Munger, scowl at Satoshi’s spawn as if it were a rat in their granary, lamenting, “It is not investment! Away, you fools!”

So, fair friends, as the curtain falls on our Act, we await the era of Greg, and ponder whether Bitcoin shall ever charm the likes of our grumpy old sages.🍷🤡

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2025-05-04 00:32