You Won’t Believe What’s Next for Bitcoin! $100,000 May Be Just the Beginning 🤯

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If there is a future, perhaps it belongs to Bitcoin — that electronic ember glowing in hands uncalloused, unseen by commissars, too bold to be slipped into a pocket, too digital to jingle. With trembling excitement, the crypto disciples chant of $100,000 as if it were some prophesied second coming, long awaited in the gulag of global finance.

Bitcoin limped, once, to that hallowed $97,800 last week, only to shiver and retreat to $94,340. A drop of 0.4%: less than vodka evaporates from an untouched shot glass at a Siberian train station. Oh, but did fear set in? Not with the optimism swelling like a bread line after ration cards have been printed.

The Faith of Bulls — And Doctor Profit’s Nostradamus Act

Somewhere, in the labyrinth of internet forums and digital soup lines, stands Doctor Profit — a man impossibly certain. He claims that bitcoin shall never know a price below $100,000 again, not for a full year. A bold assertion, or perhaps the punchline to a cosmic joke.

This oracle cites a 25% surge since his “entry” at $77,000. One supposes he entered as easily as a Politburo functionary walks into a dacha with chilled champagne. He notes a “breakout” above the Hammer Line. In the old country, the hammer decided fates. Now, it decides resistance levels — and yet, no laborer gets a raise.

Meanwhile, ETFs in America gobble bitcoin like rationed sugar, gulping down nearly a billion dollars in a single day. Three days, $1.4 billion. Who are these people, with so many dollars and so little patience? Institutional investors, apparently, growing fat even as the people scrabble for scraps of supply behind OTC counters.

Bitcoin reserves vanish from exchanges faster than rye bread when winter is long and the trains don’t run. Fidelity, that most American of institutions, shakes its fist at potential supply shock as if it were the return of a cruel January wind.

Is $100,000 Salvation or Another Arrest?

Binance finds itself in curious conversations — messages from nations, all of them wanting some “strategic reserve” of bitcoin. Are they building a new Fort Knox, or just hoping when the new Iron Curtain falls, bitcoins can buy them a ticket out? Gold, after all, doesn’t care if it’s held by a king or a gulag warden. Bitcoin may be the same, except harder to polish and easier to misplace.

As governments eye their own digital hoards, you can practically hear Lenin spinning in his glass coffin: “Comrades, is this what the Revolution toiled for? Cold wallets and Twitter threads?”

Despite the drama, the analyst remains bullish — a species of optimism rare outside the confines of Soviet five-year plans. Yet perhaps it will come to pass: Bitcoin will break $100,000 and toast itself with bathtub vodka as the ruble weeps in exile. Or, perhaps, the only thing that’ll moon is our laughter at these predictions, as Doctor Profit rebrands himself Doctor Hindsight in the year ahead. 🚀🥲

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2025-05-06 14:36