You Won’t Believe What The CIA Just Said About Bitcoin! (Plus, Kiyosaki’s Plan for $300 BTC!)

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Dearest Reader, U.Today entreats you to peruse the three most sensational happenings of the day—one does not wish to appear ignorant at supper, after all! 🍵

“Rich Dad Poor Dad” Author: Should Bitcoin Swoon to $300, Shall We Weep or Rejoice?

Allow me to present the musings of the ever-prophetic Mr. Robert Kiyosaki, an esteemed gentleman who has taken to the modern town square of X platform to groan over the global economy’s frail constitution. Fears of unemployment, he writes, are spreading rather like an unfortunate head cold, with the consequence that neither markets nor dowries are looking particularly robust.

Sir Kiyosaki, having already furrowed his brow over auguries of a new and improved Great Depression—how fashionable—weighed in on the prospect of a market collapse. “Should Bitcoin plummet to $300,” he posits, “will we all swiftly dissolve into tears, or find a reason to throw a ball?” He offers no dancing lessons but urges his audience (presumably clutching their pearls) to prepare, rather than panic. Because as history has taught us, no great fortune was won by swooning on the fainting couch. 🪙🤑

CIA: Bitcoin, The Undying Heiress of Finance

As for the grand spymaster’s own opinion—one Mr. Michael Ellis, deputy director of the CIA (oh yes, them)—he recently deigned to appear on Mr. Pompliano’s illustrious “Pomp Podcast.” In a moment of candour rarely rivaled outside a ball at Netherfield Park, Mr. Ellis declared that Bitcoin is “here to stay.” Quite the anti-ghost story!

He extolled the “great trend” of stately institutions tripping over one another to embrace Bitcoin, while admitting that the world is now locked in a technological minuet with China. The CIA, ever subtle, sees Bitcoin not just as a future bride but as the perfect means for spying on adversaries; never has currency seemed more like a social climbing debutante. And lest you wonder about Satoshi’s mysterious vanishing act, there’s a party whisper that a 2011 tea with the Agency inspired Satoshi to depart the dance floor posthaste. 🎩🕵️‍♂️

Ethereum’s Dance Card Running Out?

Turning to the parlour drama at the House of Ethereum, one Mr. Dankrad Feist (mustachioed, I imagine) sounded the alarm on Ethereum’s future prospects at the digital assembly known as Ethereum Magicians. His warning? Unless Ethereum can scale nearly 100-fold, it may sink into irrelevance—with all the grace of a dowager denied more cake.

Mr. Feist’s “radical” plan involves raising the gas limit in audacious increments—surely alarming those who like their ledgers neat and tidy. While he assures us that Ethereum can evolve without sacrificing its essential virtues (censorship resistance and verifiability, if you please), one detects a certain nervous flutter. Can Ethereum keep its social standing, or will it find itself sitting alone by the punch bowl, outshone by newer, flashier cryptocurrencies? Only time, and perhaps some dashing developers, will tell! 🎻⏳

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2025-05-02 20:51