You Won’t Believe What Happened to Ethereum ETFs on Tuesday! 🚀💸

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Ah, dear reader, let us conjure the scene: Tuesday, a day just as grey and miserable as any in Moscow, yet somewhere in the cryptic catacombs of finance, Ethereum ETFs cackled, rubbing their digital hands with glee. According to that most trustworthy oracle, SoSoValue (no relation to real sosos, we hope), these mysterious ETFs inhaled a breath of $13.37 million—yes, precisely thirteen point thirty-seven! Perhaps the number signifies luck, doom, or merely someone’s lunch tab after a decadent Moscow evening.

Ethereum ETFs soaring like a magician's hat in a stormy sky

Grayscale’s Ethereum ETF, a beast of considerable girth, devoured $7.36 million of the loot—one can only assume, not out of hunger, but sheer boredom. Meanwhile, the titans BlackRock (ETHA, for those in the secret order) and Fidelity (FETH, no, not related to Dostoevsky), the supposed mammoths, stood as still as the spooked porcelain cat on Professor Preobrazhensky’s shelf. Absolutely no movement. The market yawns, they yawn back.

Rolling up all these coins and tokens under the tattered rug of “net inflows,” we look at a wobbly $2.5 billion. “Modest,” the analysts say, tweaking their monocles whilst sipping the Tuesday morning tea. One wonders, is that billionaire modesty, or the humility of a magician whose tricks aren’t landing today?

A cat contemplating Ethereum prices

But wait—do you hear it? Amid this lukewarm orgy of investors, Ethereum itself charges dramatically up the charts, returning proudly to the $2,700 throne. Ivan the Terrible would be jealous—up nearly 50% in a week, all without any secret police! Not bad for an altcoin with dreams of czardom.

So, dear reader, clutch your wallets and your lucky kopek. The world is still mad, Moscow is still cold, and Ethereum keeps surging like a cat that just discovered a particularly pungent jar of valerian root. 😺✨

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2025-05-14 08:55