You Won’t Believe How Much MicroStrategy Outsmarted Wall Street With Bitcoin 🚀

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Once upon the dreary modern landscape of finance, awash with the torpor of quarterly earnings and PowerPoint presentations, arose a certain Michael Saylor, a man with eyes—like all true visionaries—firmly fixed not upon the muddy ground, but on the shimmering heavens of Bitcoin. According to the scrolls (well, the chart) that Saylor himself let loose upon the masses, MicroStrategy ($MSTR) completed an act of financial resurrection so outrageous, Dostoyevsky would have wept. Since embarking on their Bitcoin crusade, the humble software company saw its stock ascend 3,142%. Yes, you read that correctly. Not a typo. Even Tolstoy would have muttered, “Well, that’s dramatic.”

Crushing Traditional Tech Giants (Who Apparently Skipped Crypto Class) 🤷‍♂️

This humble performance—shall we call it a Dostoyevskian miracle?—dwarfed even the gilded children of Silicon Valley. You want numbers? Prepare your hearts, for the contrast is positively Anna Karenina-level tragic:

  • NVIDIA (NVDA): +916% (Impressive! But not quite the War & Peace of gains.)
  • Bitcoin (BTC): +715% (The muse itself, upstaged by its own disciple.)
  • Tesla (TSLA): +205% (Elon, perhaps consider Tolstoy next time?)
  • Meta (META): +121% (Almost meta-ironic.)
  • Google (GOOG): +118% (Even all the world’s data can’t beat a giant Bitcoin bet.)
  • Microsoft (MSFT): +107% (“Micro” in name, but not in ambition.)
  • Apple (AAPL): +89% (The apple fell rather close to the tree.)

And now, dear reader, even the mighty market monoliths—the ETFs QQQ (+80%) and SPY (+68%)—are left gasping in the dust. One imagines their fund managers staring at MicroStrategy’s Bitcoin trove and experiencing the kind of existential crisis that usually happens at Russian railway stations.

The Bitcoin Bet That Paid Off (And Then Some) 💸

Picture, if you will, a CEO so besotted with digital gold that he mortgaged his company’s future—literally issuing debt like a Tsar in need of a new palace—just to buy more Bitcoin. Saylor transformed MicroStrategy from a tech firm into what’s essentially a Bitcoin treasure chest on the stock exchange. As Bitcoin’s star ascended, so too did MicroStrategy, outpacing even its beloved muse. The company’s shares galloped beside the cryptocurrency, sometimes even leading the parade (much to the befuddlement of Wall Street’s wise elders).

Now, as crypto apostles everywhere shout their hallelujahs, MicroStrategy’s feat has become legend—a tale retold in hushed tones at VC dinners, and in Telegram groups full of hopeful future Saylorites. It is, perhaps, too early to predict which companies will follow, but one thing is clear: when Saylor said “All in,” he didn’t mean just the poker chips.

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2025-05-01 23:19