You Won’t Believe How Many Bitcoins Michael Saylor Wants To Buy Next!

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Somewhere on the Discworld of finance, Michael Saylor has once again dusted off his sword, shined his boots, and announced, “Right! Let’s buy more invisible internet money!” His merry band of accountants at MicroStrategy (recently rebranded as simply “Strategy”, because syllables are expensive) plan to raise the sort of cash that would make even Ankh-Morpork’s Patrician drop his monocle: a whopping $84 billion, destined for—you guessed it—more Bitcoin. Because nothing says “solid investment plan” like exchanging real money for a theoretical Pie in the Sky. 🍰🌌

MicroStrategy Plans to Raise ‘Luggage Cart Full’ of Funds for More BTC

Saylor recently chirped on X (where birds tweet, but billionaires make pronouncements) that Strategy will wrangle together $42 billion in equity and another $42 billion in fixed income with the sole purpose of stockpiling more Bitcoin. One can only assume their corporate piggy bank is now shaped like a golden ₿ and has to be emptied with a sledgehammer. The party doesn’t stop there: they’re boasting a 13.7% BTC yield, $5.8 billion in gains for the year (“year” pronounced in the tone of someone impressed by their own cleverness), and a target BTC yield increase from “This is madness!” to “Surely, this is illegal?”

The company—now just “Strategy,” a name that whispers mystery and men in dark cloaks—owns over half a million BTC. To be precise, 553,555—because why not go for symmetry when your accounting already looks like a palindrome? The tab for this trove: $37.90 billion, or roughly the GDP of a small nation known chiefly for exporting nutmeg and pirate flags. The average price per bitcoin: $68,459, which, if you’d bought a pizza with it, should have tasted divine and possibly conferred immortality. 🍕✨

Last week, as reported by Coingape (which sounds like something you’d catch in L-space), Strategy picked up another 15,355 bitcoins, spending a cool $1.42 billion—because obviously their wallets have secret compartments. The average price this time? More than the yearly salary of an Unseen University librarian: $92,737 per BTC.

If you think this pace is unsustainable, you’re obviously not thinking Discworld enough. Since the end of last year, they’ve been regularly shoveling money into the Bitcoin pit, possibly as an act of financial penance or just to confuse future economic historians. The buying spree has continued into 2025, with no sign of stopping short of being visited by the auditors from the Assassin’s Guild.

Current stats: Saylor and Strategy now possess over 2% of all Bitcoin out there—enough to make even the gods of luck sit up and take notes. They’re not just “a” public company with BTC, they’re the public company with the most BTC. The only institution larger? BlackRock, who, in a display of competitive hoarding, clutch 570,000 BTC in their digital vaults. There must be a club, surely. Or at least a group chat.

To top it all off, as part of this $84 billion marathon, Strategy is unveiling a new $21 billion at-the-market common stock equity offering. So far, they’ve conjured $6.6 billion from the ether, presumably by issuing Class A common stock to people unacquainted with the phrase “caveat emptor.”

And thus, the tale continues. Expect Saylor to appear at the next company meeting dressed in wizard robes, waving a ledger, chanting, “More Bitcoin!” and possibly attempting to ride a blockchain straight into legend. 🪙🧙‍♂️

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2025-05-02 00:44