Winklevoss vs. JPMorgan: It’s Messy 💸

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So, Tyler Winklevoss – yes, one of the Winklevoss twins, the ones who settled with Zuckerberg and probably spent the money on solid gold dumbbells – is having a bit of a public squabble with JPMorgan Chase. Apparently, JPMorgan is trying to… what’s the word?…discomfort, let’s go with that, fintech and crypto companies. It’s all very dramatic.

It started, naturally, with a tweet. Because everything does. Winklevoss, in a burst of digital indignation, suggested JPMorgan was trying to bankrupt these smaller companies by charging fees for access to customer account information. Now, I’m not a financial whiz (my 401k is mostly invested in novelty hand sanitizer), but that sounds… not great. Like charging people to use their own money. Rude.

And what did JPMorgan do? Did they calmly issue a polite rebuttal? No. They paused the re-onboarding of Gemini, Winklevoss’s company, which had *already* been kicked to the curb during the Biden Administration’s crypto crackdown (Operation ChokePoint 2.0, which sounds suspiciously like a Bond villain plan). The timing, you understand, is key. 🧐

Winklevoss, in a lengthy post that reads like a particularly passionate email a college sophomore might send after a mandatory meeting with a Dean, had this to say: “My tweet from last week struck a nerve.” (It always does, doesn’t it?) He then accused Jamie Dimon – who, let’s be honest, always looks like he’s judging your life choices – of wanting everyone to stay silent while they nickel-and-dime our right to access our own banking data. Apparently, Plaid, a service I’ve never used but sounds vaguely threatening, is involved.

“Sorry Jamie Dimon, we’re not going to stay silent.” Well, good for him. Someone has to stand up to the banksters! (I use that term loosely. They mostly seem to wear very expensive suits.) He vows to fight this “anti-competitive, rent-seeking behavior,” which, translated from billionaire-speak, means “they’re messing with my money.”🌍

And this isn’t new. He previously declared that Dimon was purposely attempting to derail President Trump’s crypto ambitions. Because apparently, everything is political. Even your Bitcoin. 🤔 He insists JPMorgan wants to make us pay exorbitant fees to access our own data – which is, when you think about it, a pretty horrifying concept. They want to charge us for the privilege of managing our own finances? It’s like paying a toll to get into your own house!

He goes on (and on) about how this will bankrupt fintech companies like Gemini, Coinbase, and Kraken, making it harder to buy Bitcoin. And that’s a problem… assuming you’re into that sort of thing. I’m still trying to figure out where to store my Beanie Baby collection. Priorities, people. 🤷

So there you have it. A billionaire versus a bank. A tweet versus a boardroom. It’s a mess, frankly. And it somehow involves Donald Trump. It’s 2025, and I’m honestly not surprised anymore.

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2025-07-27 13:22