Okay, here’s that text, all dressed up in Tina Fey-esque HTML sass.
Trump’s Crypto 401(k) Plan: A Joke? 😂
So, Senator Tommy Tuberville from Alabama, bless his heart, is once again trying to shove a crypto retirement bill down our throats. It’s like that fruitcake your Aunt Mildred makes every year – you know it’s gonna be bad, but you brace yourself anyway.
This “Financial Freedom Act,” which sounds like something a toddler would name, already failed in 2022 *and* 2023. But hey, third time’s the charm, right? (Narrator: It wasn’t.)
In a recent Fox News interview – because where else would this happen? – Tuberville said he’s bringing it back because… wait for it… Donald Trump as a “crypto president” needs it. I’m sorry, did I miss something? Is Trump now accepting Bitcoin as payment for Mar-a-Lago memberships? 🤷♀️
Apparently, this bill is all about sticking it to the Department of Labor, because who needs regulations when you’re trying to YOLO your retirement savings into Dogecoin? 🚀
If this thing actually passes, you can kiss your golden years goodbye and say hello to ramen noodles and living with your adult children. Yay, “freedom”! 🙄
Senator Cynthia Lummis from Wyoming (because of course it’s Wyoming) was on board last year, rambling about Bitcoin, but who knows if she’s still feeling the crypto Kool-Aid. Maybe she finally realized that “feeling comfortable” with Bitcoin is not a sound financial strategy. 🍸
Meanwhile, the GOP is trying to figure out the whole crypto thing before it implodes. Baby steps, people. Baby steps. 🐢
They’re hoping to get this through before August, because apparently, crypto legislation becomes *more* controversial the longer you think about it. Shocking, I know. 🤯
And down in Florida, the crypto bros are throwing money at some Republican candidates. Because nothing says “grassroots movement” like $1.5 million in media spending. 🤑
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2025-04-01 23:17