Trump’s Bitcoin Adviser Unleashes $300M Crypto Firm… And the Drama is Delicious!

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In an age when fortunes are made in the blink of a blockchain confirmation, David Bailey — dashing CEO of BTC Inc. and whisperer in the gilded ear of President Trump — has, in a feat of financial conjuring, apparently magicked together $300 million for a Bitcoin investment firm. Surely, the only thing faster than his capital raise is the speed with which a politician changes their views on crypto.

The venture, with all the subtlety of a masked ball, has chosen the moniker Nakamoto—that enigmatic patron saint of digital gold, Satoshi. Its ambition: to become a publicly traded citadel, hoarding the world’s least regal currency and perhaps a few metaphors too many. As whispered by sources (who are possibly paid by the word), CNBC reports that Nakamoto seeks not so much to ‘hold’ Bitcoin as to clutch it with the desperation of a Victorian dowager at her last social season. The Information, always eager for the scoop, was breathless in its coverage.

The fundraising, as cryptic as any Wildean plot twist, began in January. It includes a deliciously decadent $200 million in equity—equity, that most delightful of fictions—and a further $100 million in convertible debt. One can only presume the next round of investment may be executed with antique duelling pistols or possibly via interpretive dance. 🎩

While the official announcement remains, like most good secrets, unspoken, the world expects a ceremonious reveal and a merger with that most American of things—a Nasdaq-listed company. The newly forged beast expects to parade on the public markets this summer, where, undoubtedly, gentlemen will wager their pocket watches on its success.

On May 7, in a performance worthy of a West End stage, Bailey responded to the world’s anticipation with a bravura display of minimalism: “No comment.” Sometimes the greatest statement is a sigh, or in this case, a post on X. 🤐

Bitcoin Firms: More Fashionable Than Velvet Smoking Jackets

Ever since Michael Saylor turned Strategy into a Bitcoin dragon-hoard, new aspirants have rolled out their own red carpets. Nakamoto itself aspires not just to invest, but to sweep up businesses around the globe: Brazil, Thailand, South Africa—truly, a world tour less ‘Around the World in 80 Days’ and more ‘Around the World in Eight Legal Entities.’

To lend this ballet of ambition some gravitas, Nakamoto boasts an advisory board filled with names so illustrious, one needs a monocle just to read them. High-profile investors have also been convinced—perhaps at gunpoint, perhaps with promises of eternal blockchain blessings.

The gala parade doesn’t end there. Spurred by the bullish fervor of Wall Street and Twitter’s finest keyboard duelists, the likes of Twenty One Capital and Strive Asset Management have burst onto the scene, hungry to dethrone Saylor and carve for themselves a slice of the Bitcoin opera cake.

Jack Mallers’ Twenty One Capital, with the backing of Tether, SoftBank, and even Cantor Fitzgerald for extra gilding, seeks to become the superior mode of Bitcoin exposure—superior, presumably, to keeping your seed phrase written on a napkin somewhere in your sock drawer.

Meanwhile, Strive Asset Management, helmed by the ever-persuasive Vivek Ramaswamy, has also donned its Bitcoin cloak. A reverse merger will, it hopes, yield a magical $1 billion in equity and debt for buying more BTC, which, let’s be honest, is what all the fashionable firms are doing now. One must keep up with the Ledgers, after all. 💸

Crypto influencer TylerD—known to some as the Oscar Wilde of pseudonymous Web3 commentary—has declared, with the sort of urgency usually reserved for misplaced cufflinks, that “The pace of these new BTC companies launching is accelerating.”

One can only hope the champagne flows as swiftly as the capital, and that nobody gets rug-pulled before the dessert course. 🍾

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2025-05-08 11:13