This Trump Crypto ETF Might Be Richer Than Mar-a-Lago’s Buffet 🤑🍾

by

In a development that makes the invention of indoor plumbing look almost passé, Trump Media—yes, that Trump—has tossed its top hat into the berserk ring of cryptocurrencies. One imagines a boardroom full of men with tan complexions and devastating lapel pins chortling as they sign papers thicker than the plot of a Russian novel.

Trump Media, the giddy overlord of Truth Social, Truth+, and something delightfully Orwellian called TruthFi, has decided that launching an ETF tied to Bitcoin and Ethereum is the next logical step. The US Securities and Exchange Commission (no word on whether the initials were selected for comic effect) received the proposal, presumably wrapped in embossed golf course stationery and cologne. 🍊

Should the foes of reason nod the project through, this ETF will actually buy Bitcoin and Ethereum (rather than simply admire them from the distance of a hedge fund PowerPoint). A whopping 75% of the assets are bound for Bitcoin—think of it as the caviar on the economic canapé tray—while Ethereum picks up the remaining 25%, a perfectly adequate lobster roll for the rest of us.

Today’s breathless missive from Trump Media confirms that Crypto.com, a platform so reputable that even your grandmother now suspects it runs her bingo night, will serve as the exclusive keeper of the digital loot. This exchange will manage not only the coins but also something floridly termed “prime execution”—as well as staking, which tragically involves less vampire-slaying than advertised.

Enter Yorkville America Digital, whose very name reeks of polyester suits and windowless boardrooms. They shall sponsor the ETF, which aspires to be listed on the NYSE Arca, assuming the SEC does not succumb to whatever distractions currently plague it—perhaps amateur wrestling or home brewing.

The announcement, delivered with the zest of a footman presenting a half-eaten trifle, is keen to stress that this ETF is definitely, absolutely, not a security. No one may buy, sell, or even so much as look at these “Shares” until some paperwork achieves nirvana-level enlightenment.

The SEC, now under the “friendlier” auspices of the Trump administration (make of that what you will), is presumed more receptive, perhaps swayed by the promise of Very Large Hats. Meanwhile, the sitting president’s enthusiasm for crypto knows no bounds—and if Trump Media prevails, America’s investments may soon be as volatile as his Twitter feed used to be. 🙃🚀

Read More

2025-06-16 16:59