This ETF Filing Just NEAR-ly Broke Crypto Twitter (And No One Knows Where It’ll List)

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Bitwise Asset Management, in what one might call an extremely serious and not-at-all-panicked move, has unleashed upon the US Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) a gleaming new Form S-1 registration. What for? To birth the Bitwise NEAR exchange-traded fund (ETF) into this cruel, indifferent world. And yes, it’s as desperate for attention as you’d expect. 🥂

Previously, on “Bitwise Fills Out Paperwork”: Back on April 24, 2025, Bitwise filed in Delaware as though that state’s reputation for cryptic LLC laws somehow helps secure the future of money. The S-1 is just their next magic trick: “Look, another form!”

Altcoin ETF Showdown: NEAR’s Dramatic Entrance

The plan? Track the epic highs (and questionable lows) of NEAR, that oh-so-shiny token powering the NEAR Protocol—a layer-1 blockchain so scalable, your existential dread will never catch it. The ETF claims it’ll hang onto real NEAR, though no one has any clue which exchange will list it or what its ticker will be. Maybe $WHERE?, maybe $WHOCARES. Surely not $MOON.

Coinbase Custody Trust Company, LLC is apparently the grown-up in the room, holding onto NEAR tokens and pretending this is all very normal banking behavior. Sending, storing, panicking, probably humming nervously about regulatory risk.

“The Trust’s investment objective is to seek to provide exposure to the value of NEAR held by the Trust, less the expenses of the Trust’s operations and other liabilities. In seeking to achieve its investment objective, the Trust will hold NEAR and establish its net asset value (“NAV”) by reference to the [CF NEAR-Dollar Settlement Price] (the “Pricing Benchmark”),” the S-1 reads.
Translation: ‘We’ll hold some coins in a vault and—like everyone in crypto—charge you for the privilege.’

Excitingly, this had zero effect on NEAR’s price, because the market cares about paperwork as much as you care about your neighbour’s pet lizard. NEAR dropped a heroic 0.8%, now languishing at $2.3. Pass the tissues, someone. 🥲

With a $2.8 billion market cap, NEAR sits at #44 in the Great Crypto Popularity Contest. Not quite prom queen, but at least someone invited them to the dance.

NEAR is now the latest shiny bauble in Bitwise’s ETF toybox, joining established crowd-pleasers like Bitcoin (BTC) and Ethereum (ETH), and hopefuls like Dogecoin (DOGE), Solana (SOL), XRP, and Aptos (APT). It’s like Pokémon, but instead of catching them all you submit endless, mind-numbing paperwork to the SEC.

“Bitwise is betting big on altcoin legitimacy. Wall Street exposure to L1s is getting real,” says an analyst on X (formerly known as Twitter, but let’s humor Elon for a moment).

Of course, getting an ETF approved these days is a bit like scheduling a dentist appointment: it takes forever, there are delays, and nobody actually wants to do it. The SEC has been kicking the can down the road for other crypto ETFs like XRP and DOGE, conveniently shifting deadlines to mid-June 2025. Because nothing says ‘innovation’ like bureaucracy-induced time dilation.

All this is happening in an era where regulators are slightly less allergic to crypto—thanks, Biden!—with spot Bitcoin ETFs greenlit in January 2024 and Ethereum ETFs in July. What a time to be alive, if you like spreadsheets and existential ambiguity.

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2025-05-07 08:52