Picture the scene, darling: Steve, just your average, well-to-do fellow, sends a mere trifle of $310,000 to the IRS (as one does, presumably to keep relations amiable and the taxman’s eyebrows un-arched). His wife trusts the valiant US Postal Service’s supposedly “secure mailbox” in Seattle. Time passes, as it does, cocktails are sipped, taxes are presumably paid.
But lo, nearly a year later (an eternity in banking tea-time), Steve’s accountant phones with all the subtlety of a crashing chandelier: the IRS is still waiting for their funds. Curious! Alarm bells, drama!
Upon investigation, Steve learns his generous cheque to Uncle Sam has been artfully reimagined, the recipient now one Ezavier Josiah Staples—no doubt a man with cherubic cheeks and, one suspects, a shifty moustache. The signature is still Steve’s, but the payee’s identity? Washed away like last season’s scandals.
Knocking on the grand doors of Wells Fargo, Steve expects at least an “Oh you poor dear!” Instead, the bank, with the empathy of a damp sponge, waves his complaint aside—he was, they decree, simply too slow on the uptake. Banking efficiency at its finest! 🕰️
Meanwhile, Wells Fargo points an elegant gloved finger at JPMorgan Chase, claiming the loot now resides somewhere within their hallowed halls. One wonders if it’s lounging in a chaise lounge, sipping gin.
Steve, for his part, is positively thunderstruck. Could it be that neither banking colossus has the faintest inclination to cough up a reimbursement, nor the wherewithal to stop a cheque from being “washed”? Shock! Gasp! The audience faints.
“Absolutely flabbergasted,” Steve laments. “One would think with all their hullabaloo about security and fraud, they’d give a fig for the client! But no—tough luck, old sport!” 🥂
A Chase spokesperson, when pressed, assures everyone that they’re “looking into it” (translation: sending for another pot of tea).
$310,000 vanishes, banks shrug, and somewhere, Mr. Staples is doubtless laughing all the way to the, well… you know.
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2025-05-03 17:43