Thiel’s Superhuman Fiasco: When Steroids Meet Sarcasm

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So, it turns out that pumping athletes full of more chemicals than a high school science lab doesn’t automatically make them superheroes. Who knew? Shares of Enhanced Group (ENHA), the brainchild of Peter Thiel’s “let’s see what happens if we throw caution to the wind” philosophy, plummeted faster than a lead balloon after their Las Vegas debut turned into a $25 million lesson in humility.

The company, which went public this month with a jaw-dropping $1.2 billion valuation, has since lost more money than a tourist at a Vegas blackjack table. Ouch.

Vegas: Where Dreams Go to Die (or Just Get Really Tired)

On May 24, the Enhanced Games hosted a single-night extravaganza at Resorts World Las Vegas, complete with more testosterone than a locker room and enough human growth hormone to make a bodybuilder blush. Roughly 42 athletes competed, with the company’s own data revealing that 91% were on testosterone, 79% were using HGH, and 62% were popping stimulants like they were candy. Because, you know, science.

“Peter Thiel and Donald Trump Jr. spent millions to create a steroid Olympics. They promised to ‘redefine human limits’ and threw $25M at it… Turns out, the only limit they redefined was how much embarrassment one event could generate. The clean athletes basically said, ‘Hold my protein shake,’ and won anyway. So, did they expose anything? Or just their own lack of foresight?” one researcher quipped, probably while sipping tea.

Out of all this chemical chaos, only one unofficial world record was set. Greek swimmer Kristian Gkolomeev clocked 20.81 seconds in the men’s 50-meter freestyle, beating Cameron McEvoy’s mark by a whisker and earning a cool $1 million. Meanwhile, sprinter Fred Kerley, who had boldly predicted he’d “destroy” Usain Bolt’s 100-meter record, managed a 9.97-second sprint that wouldn’t even qualify for the Paris Olympics final. Awkward.

Clean athletes, including Olympic gold medalist Hunter Armstrong, swept three events outright. Because, as it turns out, being naturally talented is still a thing.

A non-enhanced athlete, Hunter Armstrong, won 1st place in the Men’s 50m Backstroke at the Enhanced Games while competing against athletes using more PEDs than a pharmacy. Take that, science.

– FearBuck (@FearedBuck) May 25, 2026

Silicon Valley Meets Biology: Spoiler Alert, Biology Wins

After closing at $5.36 on Friday, ENHA opened near $2.67 on Tuesday, a 50% nosedive that wiped out nearly $800 million in market value. Because nothing says “confidence” like losing almost a billion dollars in a single day. The company’s market cap has fallen from $981 million on May 7 to a humble $655 million. Oops.

BREAKING: Enhanced Games stock crashed -52% today, two days after their first event. The entire company was built on the idea that drugs would make athletes unstoppable. Instead, they proved that clean athletes are already pretty great. Who’d have thought?

– Bull Theory (@BullTheoryio) May 26, 2026

Follow us on X for more schadenfreude-filled updates.

This fiasco echoes another recent venture-backed disaster. A week earlier, Figure AI staged a 10-hour “Man vs. Machine” contest where a human intern beat their F.03 humanoid robot by a margin so small it’s almost embarrassing. The robot packed 12,732 packages, while the intern managed 12,924. Take that, robots.

Congrats to Aime!! He said his left forearm is basically broken 😂

Final scores:
→ F.03: 12,732 packages (2.83 seconds/package)
→ Aime: 12,924 packages (2.79 seconds/package)

This is the last time a human will ever win. Or so they say.

– Brett Adcock (@adcock_brett) May 18, 2026

When your entire equity story hinges on a single live-streamed event, and that event flops harder than a pancake, well, let’s just say the market doesn’t wait around for a sequel. With backers like Peter Thiel known for cutting their losses faster than a hot knife through butter, ENHA’s future now depends on whether the public has the patience to stick around for round two. Spoiler alert: probably not.

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2026-05-26 21:16