The Valley Recap: The Ring Didn’t Mean a Thing

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In the previous episode, I was expressing my disappointment over the lack of Brock Davies, Scheana Shay’s husband, in his swimwear at a pool party, with no shots from the editors. However, this week exceeded my expectations! Not only did we get a shot of Brock sans shirt diving into the pool, but also an intimate conversation during a Truth or Dare game on the beach. In the conversation, Scheana opted for truth and was asked about the size of the “budgie” that Brock always carries. I wish you could have seen me, as I hit pause, took off my clothes, put on a bathrobe, grabbed the nearest lotion and tissues, and prepared myself to hear the answer!

Scheana shares with us that it’s not just about length, but girth as well, a fact that holds true regardless of the game show she might be on. She further notes that it fits perfectly in all places, which leads one to wonder if she means every possible opening. Later, Scheana mentions an instance where it was inserted into her posterior region, resulting in hemorrhoids. This certainly raises some questions, such as whether enough lubrication was used and if proper relaxation and dilation were ensured. It’s interesting to note that, throughout my extensive experience of exploring various openings, I’ve never encountered one that caused hemorrhoids, even at a Brazilian brothel.

There are numerous aspects of our beach vacation I’d love to discuss, aside from the major argument that took place. For instance, why do they film our LA-based reality shows at the beach when it’s cold and windy? Everyone just wraps up in blankets, grumbling about the weather.

Moreover, among all the unrelatable things Kristen Doute has ever said (and trust me, she hasn’t said any), her experience of always losing her car at The Grove resonates the most with me. Thankfully, she’s learned from this and now uses valet parking instead – a wise choice indeed!

In my opinion, the pivotal moment in this scene wasn’t about navigating parking lots in L.A.’s bustling malls, but rather the explosive confrontation between Jasmine, Jason, and Janet regarding the gossip that Jason removes his wedding ring when he visits bars. It appears they downplayed the rumor when Kristen brought it up last time, but as the days passed, tension simmered until it escalated into a significant issue, with Janet taking the lead in expressing their displeasure.

It’s particularly frustrating because this is just how Janet typically behaves. She’s a reality TV professional who often magnifies small issues, exaggerates them, misconstrues them, and twists them to fuel her anger. For instance, recall when Gizelle Bryant from The Real Housewives of Potomac said she would remain beautiful even after Karen Huger’s husband passed away, and Karen spun it into “Gizelle wished death on my husband.” This is reminiscent of last season when Janet transformed a mildly rude comment by Zack into “Zack wanted me to miscarry and for my unborn child to die.

In their beach argument, Jasmine lashes out at Janet, accusing her of being a toxic friend, draining people’s energy, and causing unnecessary drama – essentially behaving like a “drama queen” or a “Karen.” This harsh assessment perfectly encapsulates Janet’s behavior, as she is known for escalating minor issues into full-blown arguments, often resulting in public disputes that can lead to job losses (unless it happens on Bravo, where such fights become television fodder and the participants get to keep their jobs).

As a devoted cinephile, let me clarify my role in this situation: I neither started, nor did I believe, nor did I bring the gossip to the show. I was merely one of many who heard it, and I may have casually discussed it with Kristen. However, for the record, she claims she didn’t hear it from me. The way I see it, Kristen is using this rumor as a smokescreen, much like she did last season when she spread the gossip about Michelle and her long-term boyfriend. Janet’s comment about Kristen’s ability to create distractions and fill rooms with nonsense to divert attention from the truth couldn’t be more spot on.

It’s astonishing how gullible Janet seems to be, making Kristen an old hand at this game. Meanwhile, Janet is acting like an intoxicated mascot, drawing attention while stumbling around the field. The misunderstanding between them started when Janet took offense to something Kristen said, leading her to confront Jasmine and insinuate that she was the initial source of the rumor. This is much like attempting to prepare Scheana’s renowned enchiladas using a chimichanga recipe and then being disappointed when you don’t have enchiladas on your plate.

After an outburst from Jasmine leaves Jason and Janet abandoning their beach gathering, their bond with Jasmine is severely damaged, as one might expect. However, it’s surprising to see Janet at home with her family, discussing how she has been crying all day and is concerned about transmitting her negativity to her child, fearing it could hinder his development into a joyful baby. Is it fair to say that Jasmine’s rudeness is now destroying her child’s life? If this isn’t an excessive display of anger (Big Karen Energy), I’m not sure what is. While Jasmine’s behavior was unacceptable, I understand why Janet feels betrayed. But instead of escalating the situation, she could have chosen to let it go, talk to Kristen, or speak with Jasmine in a friendly manner, asking if she truly fabricated the story. Instead, she confronted Jasmine in Scheana’s kitchen, accusing her of not caring about her because of this. Frankly, I’m finding all of this tiresome.

The sight of Janet and Jason lounging in their living room raises a curiosity: Why is there a mini-fridge filled with Gatorade in their living area? While Zack’s retro Monster fridge on his kitchen counter may have kitsch appeal, the size of his house suggests it wouldn’t be practical for him to frequently traverse the space for a quick electrolyte boost. The idea of them having such a large supply of Gatorade, with its sugar and dye content that could potentially make RFK Jr. reconsider his anti-vaccine stance, seems rather improbable.

To be honest, there’s a question on everyone’s mind: What’s happening with Jax Taylor these days? Frankly, he seems to exhaust me. Is it necessary for him to stay on the show? We’ve got Janet causing friendship turmoil over trivial matters. Jesse Lally spouting harmful, misogynistic words. Luke showing off his physique, Danny revealing his troubled side when intoxicated, and Kristen playing with truth like a cat with a ball of yarn. It seems that all aspects we associate with Jax Taylor are already present in the other cast members. Couldn’t we let him drift into oblivion, save ourselves some stress, and keep our sanity?

Jax telephones Jason as they’re standing near the Gatorade section of the Caperna residence to discuss his remarkable transformation following rehab. He’s incredibly thankful, recognizing the need for a fresh start; everything is expected to change post-rehab. Frankly, I’ve heard this so many times it feels like “Hot to Go!” during Pride Month. (And we’ve only just begun, but I’ve heard it 9 million times already.) The most infuriating part is when Jax claims his dad must have sent him to rehab. Really? Isn’t it recent history that Jax was criticizing his father for considering rehab? Now, it seems the father arranged the stay and footed the $60,000 bill? That’s what makes Jax so manipulative; he twists anything to fit the story he wants people to believe.

From the conversation, it’s clear that Jax intends to assist Brittany with her mortgage by using a portion of their podcast earnings until it’s paid off. However, I can’t help but wonder if they’ve split up, will the podcast continue? Isn’t this a bit like offering your final paycheck after resigning from your job? Yet, it appears that Jax is presenting himself as selfless on-camera when in reality, there seems to be no personal cost involved.

Later on, we witness Brittany returning to the shared residence despite having paid for two more months at another rental. Brittany initially disables the security cameras to keep Jax from viewing them. Subsequently, she phones Jenny, Jax’s sister, to spread rumors about him. Frankly, I found this behavior distasteful. Granted, Jax can be a jerk, but Jenny is already aware of his shortcomings. It seems both pointless and slightly ungracious for Brittany to badmouth the woman’s brother directly to her.

As they chat on the phone, a message arrives from Jax claiming he’s overheard Brittany talking childishly and that she suspects a bug was planted in their home. Brittany wonders aloud if this could be true. The producer suggests this is the only plausible explanation for Jax’s text. Later, the producer emails Brittany, revealing he spoke to the bank about their mortgage issues; with their house in foreclosure, he won’t be making payments anymore but offers it to her instead.

The speaker admits that much of the drama on this show is entertaining, such as Zack and Janet’s disagreement or Jasmine and Janet squabbling over a trivial rumor. However, they find watching Jax mistreat his soon-to-be ex-wife anything but enjoyable. If given the choice, they’d prefer to keep Jax in rehab indefinitely since he seems unwilling to learn or grow, at least there, he can continue avoiding change while staying distant from everyone else.

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2025-06-04 04:54