The Valley Recap: Cruise Control

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In this episode, there’s one major topic we should discuss that isn’t Kristen’s engagement, a vintage Hot Wheels Batmobile, or the fight on the boat. It’s not even Jax Taylor’s behavior. What I’m referring to is something more specific – Luke’s prominent bulge, as humorously described by Jesse as his “moose knuckle.” During their final booze cruise of the vacation, Luke stands out in a captain’s hat and a small captain’s jumpsuit that seems to emphasize… certain parts. The reasoning behind this costume choice is unclear, along with its cleanliness, but one thing is for sure – it left quite an impression on everyone watching.

It’s particularly awkward when Jesse teases him by calling Luke’s underwear a “banana hammock,” suggesting it’s too small, when in reality, Luke just needs a “macadamia hammock.” Jesse claims he could never fit into such an item. However, even straight men can recognize that Luke was presenting like a Jon Hamm paparazzi shot. As a part of the Growers, Not Showers community, I was quite impressed. Furthermore, it’s amusing that Jesse implies his penis is larger just because he has a variety of tailored pants, and we’ve never caught even a glimpse of his “trouser snake.

Indeed, it’s far more engaging for me to discuss Luke’s unique qualities amidst the ongoing power struggle among this group, where it seems like Kristen and Janet are locked in a battle, with the rest of the cast playing their respective roles as allies or adversaries. It’s almost like a modern-day “Game of Thrones,” with Jax being the only dragon everyone wants to eliminate. Interestingly, Schwartz appears to be the voice of reason, advising Jax against reconciling with Brittany and warning him about potential legal troubles if they live under the same roof together, which is indeed a sobering thought.

The story begins as Kristen finds herself engaged to Luke, who resembles a Labubu in the form of a pickup truck, prompting a celebration. However, Janet contemplates skipping the festivities, feeling unable to feign happiness for Kristen’s sake, even for a moment. While I understand her feelings, this is a business trip. With a smile pasted on, I plan to drop by the party briefly, offer my congratulations to Kristen in passing, and then proceed with our dinner date with Jason.

Instead, she turns small matters into significant issues, necessitating a talk with Zack. I believe that if Janet opted for the simpler route occasionally, life would be less complicated for her. Yet, she seems intent on drawing attention to herself and making a statement every chance she gets. It’s almost as though she feels indispensable, like she’s Luke’s most valuable treasure. Nevertheless, I couldn’t help but feel empathy for Janet when Brittany invited the whole group into her bedroom, leaving Janet and Jason on the other side of the wall, struggling to rest amidst all the noise.

This leads me to discuss the conversation between Kristen and Brittany, where Kristen expresses her feeling that Brittany usually supports Janet instead of her. This is a similar issue that Zack often raises about Brittany. I understand that Brittany aims to remain neutral, and she can certainly stand up for Janet when needed, but overall, it seems she tends to side with or defend Janet more frequently than Kristen and Zack in the group.

In this conversation, Kristen claims that Janet joined their friend circle solely because she was a fan of “Vanderpump Rules”, and many people criticize her for it by calling her “Fanet”. I find this accusation to be baseless and overused on social media. For instance, Jen Aydin was also a fan of “RHONJ” and became one of the most notable (if not the most irritating) Jersey housewives. Similarly, Heather Gay is a huge Housewives fan and has made her mark as an elite Housewife. Janet has been part of this group for years and has spent time with them without any obvious benefits. If Kristen had a problem with her being a fan, she should have addressed it during the Biden administration, not when she thinks she can easily take advantage of their shared reality TV status now.

This leads us to a confusing argument between Janet and Kristen, happening on a particularly rocky boat that isn’t a Kiss fan gathering. Even Jesse admits he can’t quite understand the cause of all the noise. The argument begins when Janet and Michelle request a conversation with Zack, dragging Kristen along. The tension arises from Michelle and Janet’s discomfort over Aaron’s ex-girlfriend Jenna being around frequently. They suspect Zack and Kristen are responsible for her presence, but Zack claims that Scheana and Janet were the ones pushing this storyline to create drama. (It’s worth noting that Jenna did attend Field Day with Scheana.)

In simpler terms,

Kristen is upset because, during their attempt to reconcile at El Coyote, Janet intervened in their conversation and started scolding Kristen. On the other hand, Janet is angry because she believes Kristen has been spreading false rumors about Jason not wearing his wedding ring. Meanwhile, Kristen is annoyed that Janet has been confronting Danny and Nia. Similarly, Janet is upset that Danny touched Melissa and Jasmine inappropriately. Instead of arguing over personal issues, it seems like they’re more concerned with defending others, which has led to a game of finger-pointing that resembles ping-pong, but without any real balls or personal grievances. Essentially, everyone involved seems to be siding with someone else’s cause, while the actual people in question are distancing themselves from this whole situation.

The issue with this argument is that they’re both mistaken. Kristen claims that she didn’t make an allegation against Jason; instead, she simply passed on a gossip she overheard. I must say, if you repeat the gossip without mentioning it’s false, you’re essentially validating it to some extent, which amounts to a soft accusation. Kristen is trying to make a subtle distinction that doesn’t really matter, and she needs to acknowledge this.

Janet isn’t attacking Danny when she calls his actions towards Jasmine and Melissa inappropriate while drunk as sexual assault, but she is correct. However, using the term “sexual assault” can intensify arguments, like it did with Kristen. While Danny’s action was indeed sexual assault, he only did it once, has apologized multiple times, and both Jasmine and Melissa have forgiven him. Melissa even asked to stop discussing the matter because she doesn’t want to re-ignite the argument. Janet insists on using the correct term, but Nia, who isn’t one to back down, challenges her by asking if she “had to” use the term or “chose” to. This exchange perfectly encapsulates the Oprah “silent or silenced” meme. Instead of saying “sexual assault,” Janet could have used words like “he got handsy,” “molested,” or “groped,” which might be more fitting given the situation, everyone’s reactions, and the outcome.

What Janet does is exacerbate the situation and then act as though she’s blameless while chaos ensues all around her. The same thing can be said for Kristen. They both seem to meddle in other people’s disputes, yet neither of them has a personal stake in this particular conflict. Both of them should step back and stop interfering. Or they can continue, but they should at least be upfront about the fact that their animosity towards each other is the real reason for their feud, and that they’re simply tired of seeing each other on the show. It would be more honest if they acknowledged this to us. Instead of using others as pawns in their conflict, they should remember how Game of Thrones ended, and hopefully learn from its lesson – no one enjoys watching a war that seems endless and pointless.

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2025-07-09 05:54