The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives Season-Premiere Recap: Never Touched a Wiener

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I find it hard to conceive of myself passing over the opening theme song of “The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives“. It’s only been a year since it entered my life, but already its impact on me is quite Pavlovian. The intro, particularly the latest version with the girls mimicking the seductive river scene from “O Brother, Where Art Thou?”, is masterfully designed to evoke emotions. It’s like listening to the font from “Twilight” or receiving a text that asks, “Can I say something rude?” Or the first time I watched “Jennifer’s Body”, thinking I was the epitome of feminism while struggling to utter the word ‘feminism’.

This leads us to MomTok, a widely recognized phenomenon in the country. In fact, each episode of this popular TV show seems to constantly mention MomTok, to the point where I thought about counting them but soon realized it was unnecessary. The group of Mormon wives have been tirelessly producing content for us non-religious folks, and there’s a lot to explore. So let’s dive right in.

The story kicks off at the Gracie Lou Cowboy Pillows influencer gathering. It took me a while to figure out why there were no actual pillows present at this pillow-themed sponsored event, until I realized it was a metaphor for both derrieres and chests. The fascinating world of straight culture never ceases to amaze! In this setting, moms and their maternal figures take turns on a mechanical bull and discuss the well-being of the MomTok community.

It’s crucial to remember that MomTok encompasses various aspects — it’s a hashtag, a close-knit group, a social movement, and most significantly, a brand with stringent yet constantly evolving standards. From the very start, we should establish the Key Performance Indicators (KPIs) of MomTok.

MomTok aspires to bring about changes such as challenging the patriarchy, encouraging modernization within religious institutions, and living life while captivating men’s hearts through videos. This policy agenda is more transparent than that of 90% of American political figures.

At the gathering, Whitney arrives visibly pregnant, causing the other women to regard her with an expression that suggests she’s mixed up their large soda drinks by swapping coconut cream for urine. To refresh your memory, Whitney is considered the antagonist due to her absence at Taylor’s baby shower, neglecting Mayci’s brand launch, and other questionable actions such as leaving the group chat and becoming enraged when no one reached out to her. Despite no longer being a part of “MomTok” officially, she’s obligated to attend this event because her profession is influencing. This situation encapsulates the intricacy of MomTok! In terms of Whitney’s emotions, MomTok functions more like a close-knit group of seventh-grade friends who call themselves the Skittles due to an old inside joke.

It turns out we might have a fresh face causing trouble in our town, her name is Miranda. Interestingly enough, she’s not really new at all; she was once Taylor’s close friend who got caught up in the infamous soft swinging scandal. Now divorced, she’s attempting to set the record straight on her past actions. This is amusing because (1) by season’s end, we had long forgotten about the swinging scandal and moved on to other topics, and (2) the other women can see through her motives. They know she’s trying to regain her influence in MomTok for attention, and her claims of never having touched a wiener aren’t winning them over. The core principle of MomTok is that deceit will not be accepted, especially when the most vocal members have already addressed issues like infidelity and dishonesty among partners. Taylor seems to view Miranda with indifference due to exhaustion, as Dakota continues his old habits (deception and unfaithfulness).

Discussing troublesome behavior among men, Jennifer finds herself in an unexpected encounter when her ex-husband, Zac, appears. He’s got a fresh haircut and a suitcase typically used for all-female cruises departing from Key West, thinking these would be enough to persuade Jennifer to reconcile. It’s important to recall that this is the man who considered divorcing over entering a men’s dance performance lobby and leaving shortly after. His attempts at image improvement involve using terms like “therapy,” “saving our marriage,” and “supporting your career” (which in reality means supporting his gambling addiction). Jennifer firmly sets her boundaries, presenting a list of conditions such as him genuinely considering her feelings and allowing her to attend Chippendales if she chooses. Essentially, this is a display of the power of MomTok! Predictably, his reaction is one of bewilderment, as if she’s proposing he amputate his manhood with his own toenails.

At Mayci’s house, Taylor convenes with Jenna, who is Dakota’s secondary partner, to exchange information. Taylor, fresh from childbirth with Dakota, has a detailed timeline of Dakota’s statements ready. Jenna intends to share her entire text conversation history with Dakota. It appears that this man is in deep trouble, marking another success for the MomTok movement. The circumstances are highly predictable, but Taylor will always be disturbed by the actions of Dakota and Jenna. Their activities, such as visiting the trampoline park and dinosaur museum, seem far from romantic encounters with someone other than a pregnant partner. Instead, these outings resemble activities one does when babysitting a child given an Amex card. Taylor feels deeply hurt not only by Dakota’s deceit but also by the revelation that she was the nighttime companion, while Jenna was the daytime confidante receiving planned activities and affectionate messages. It seems that Jenna had initially inquired about Dakota’s relationship with Taylor, but he claimed they were just gaining social media attention together. With a hair transplant on the line, such a response wasn’t going to foot the bill.

While Miranda connects with Whitney since she believes it’s advantageous to establish alliances by reaching out to those already excluded. They share common grounds of being unprepared for the weather and receiving cold shoulders from other women. Miranda decides to host a get-together at her place to foster camaraderie, preferring face-to-face interactions over online solutions. I wholeheartedly endorse this approach, as I believe more real-life encounters are beneficial, particularly those that make us feel uneasy. However, I’m not convinced this strategy is effective for Miranda, as she has yet to demonstrate her ability to maintain relationships with someone like Demi in real life. The thought of sharing such a predicament excites Whitney immensely.

You might have assumed that haunted houses are not endorsed by the Mormon Church due to their possible connection to satanic influences. However, that assumption is incorrect. In fact, some of the girls on the show visit Fear Factory for some lively discussions about the apparent clout-chasing of Miranda. This scenario intrigues me because it highlights the complex dynamic between sinners and saints among these women.

Jessi and Demi fit the role of sinners, given their past divorces and non-adherence to all Mormon teachings. Mayci seems to be a saint due to her abstinence from alcohol and being on her second husband after losing the first one tragically. However, Mikayla’s status as a saint is more about perception than practice, as she hasn’t been actively practicing Mormonism for ten years.

If I were part of MomTok, I would propose abolishing the saint-sinner categorization to encourage unity among the women in pursuit of their common goals. There’s already enough drama on the show without an artificial divide!

For instance, Taylor grapples with the aftermath of Dakota’s infidelity and dishonesty. Her mom Liann drops by, flaunting her recent cosmetic changes, and then audaciously tells Taylor that she should have anticipated Dakota’s flaws before having his child, followed by criticizing her generation for leaving too quickly when relationships falter. However, Taylor has been trying to make the relationship work! She’s made it clear how challenging this has been, particularly given her unresolved issues concerning her biological father. I propose Demi and Jessi engage in a heart-to-heart talk with Liann, similar to what they did with Jen, guiding her gradually towards self-realization using their own tales of emotional abuse at the hands of selfish men as examples.

It seems you thought haunted houses might be questionable in LDS beliefs, but what about ketamine? Instead, Jen and Zac opt for ketamine-assisted therapy, as it’s not specifically addressed in the Book of Mormon. The peculiarity of this treatment lies in its similarities to sharing a deeply personal dream experience with someone else. It can be quite an introspective moment, revealing how uncomfortable we feel when confronted with the idea of growing and transforming publicly. For Jen and Zac, it’s no different. They demonstrate great resilience because I cannot fathom recovering from ketamine, my self-image shattered, feeling disoriented as I struggle for breath while a producer encourages me to discuss my issues with my husband—all while asking if he still intends to apologize to my friends for his hurtful words during our marital disputes.

Discussing the constant stream of trash collectors (apologies, but they seem to be constantly changing!), Dakota is packing up all his trucker hats as he prepares to leave Taylor’s residence. He confesses to doing everything that Taylor had caught him doing, along with the additional revelation of having an encounter with Jenna in Taylor’s room. He goes on about feeling remorseful, letting down his son, and how it’s all worth fighting for. This feels like Tom Sandoval/Schwartz-style self-promotion, and I won’t believe a word until I see some concrete actions follow.

Ultimately, we arrive at Miranda’s residence. She has arranged a variety of deli meats on artificial leaves from Hobby Lobby and fashioned “MomTok” out of cheese blocks. With Martinelli’s in hand, the moms stand uneasily until Mayci directly queries Miranda about the purpose of this gathering. Mikayla is keen to uncover the inconsistencies between Miranda’s party details and Taylor’s account.

Instead, we’re given a rapid-fire preview of the season’s events: secrets, deceptions, confessions, encounters with law enforcement, sabotage, hidden pasts, and inappropriate behavior. And let’s not forget MomTok! It seems divine intervention may indeed be happening.

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2025-05-15 09:54