As a seasoned viewer of this reality TV spectacle, I must say, I found myself thoroughly entertained by the premiere episode. The contestants were a motley crew, each with their own unique quirks and charms that made for quite an intriguing watch.
We’ve tread the familiar path of mature affection with Gerry and Theresa, only to have our emotions shattered by some unexplained events. Yet, we’re rejuvenated! Prepared yet again to experience emotions for an undervalued romantic group – seniors – as Joan Vassos navigates a household filled with men over fifty.
Absolutely! I’m more than prepared to take on this performance, given that my father got remarried in his eighties to an exceptional individual. Let’s not forget about those who are still seeking love and cherishing it during their later years (their golden years, she wisely added).
We begin with Joan carefully choosing jewelry pieces while “Rainbow” by Kacey Musgraves softly plays in the background. This scene is instantly appealing. For thirty-three years, Joan was married to John, until he lost his life to pancreatic cancer. John always managed to infuse joy into their lives and made her feel seen every day, so these qualities will be crucial factors for Joan when evaluating potential male partners. I’m hoping that the show has arranged for Phil Collins’ music to play during Joan’s introduction, as it would otherwise leave viewers puzzled with thoughts like, “Is that…Phil Collins?” It seems odd for the show to intentionally create such confusion among its audience.
Let’s mingle with these gentlemen now! Joan, in a dazzlingly radiant gown, scores a perfect 10 on the glamour scale. She initially has twenty-four participants, an impressive number, though only eighteen will remain by tonight, if my calculations are correct. Alright, let’s get this party started!
The individuals found inside the packages during the first half are Kim, a Navy Captain; Jonathan, who goes by Charles Not in Charge but hails from Iowa; Keith, often seen driving a Station Wagon; and Mark, Kelsey’s father. However, it is Pascal, the proprietor of a salon based in Chicago (though technically located in the suburb of Glencoe), who emerges first from the limo. Despite its location outside of downtown Chicago, Pascal’s salon is known to be quite expensive, with a median household income in Glencoe being $228,750. Given his unique charm and contribution to the house, I hope he stays for a few more weeks.
Additionally, we encounter individuals such as Chock, an insurance executive hailing from Wichita. Upon their initial encounter, Chock extends a gesture of kindness by offering Joan chicken noodle soup, which left me quite surprised – it’s not often that characters on this show engage in activities like eating strangers’ soup. In fact, I have never witnessed them declining such offers. Instead, they seem to embrace the “Year of Yes” approach, accepting whatever comes their way.
Among those not part of the video crew are characters like Bob the chiropractor, who claims he met death after being struck by lightning; Gary, the former finance executive, who could be either Susan or April this season; Guy the Doctor, whom Joan appears to have feelings for; and Jack, a resident of Chicago. Jack, a caterer, is described as having strolled onto the set from a nearby tailgate party. Upon introduction, he serenades with Frank Sinatra’s “My Way,” revealing much about his character (this statement isn’t meant to criticize Jack, but rather express the desire for more of him on the show). Jack compliments Joan’s dress as “smokin’ hot” and enters the mansion asking if someone requested bourbon. Typically, I frown upon cast members joining for chaos, but given that most are in their sixties, the wildest episode one gets is a round of pickleball without rules.
As a movie enthusiast, I can’t stand it when critics like Kim compare actors to ‘stallions in the stable.’ It’s just not my cup of tea. And I’m not a naval expert, but I’d advise against showing up at an event in short sleeves, sir.
Ultimately, it’s clear that Mark is going to make it far in the show. His rugged appearance reminds one of a lumberjack, and it seems Joan has a fondness for that type. Regrettably, I can’t provide more details about him as I don’t recall Joey’s season well enough. Later on, Mark remarks that conversing with Joan is akin to slipping into a fresh pair of warm sweatpants from the dryer. Perhaps he should leave the comparison game to others, Mark.
In the initial season of the The Bachelor series (excluding Bachelor in Paradise), events typically unfold in this sequence: introductions, individual dates, presentation of the first impression rose, and elimination rounds. The one-on-ones are standard. It’s clear that Joan will emphasize the term “adventure” frequently, which I’ve taken note of as I scan through these gentlemen. She seems to favor Dan from Naples, Florida. Dan appears friendly enough, but he bears a striking resemblance to the senator who attempts to outlaw mutants in X-Men. Gary establishes two phones for simultaneous conversations, and I find him endearing.
In my perspective as a movie critic, the character Jack, clearly intoxicated, stumbles through the grand mansion, pointing out supposed hidden coves and expressing his eagerness to dive in every pool he sees. The tour of this mansion is undeniably the most captivating segment of the entire two-hour film. In a quintessentially Chicago moment, Jack boasts, “Let me tell you, we’ve got around seventy-two candles up there.” Meanwhile, Charles seems genuinely amazed by the authenticity of the kitchen, perhaps implying that he expected them to be on a movie set. A buddy comedy between these two characters would be an intriguing prospect. I admit that I might not last more than one episode before Jack’s antics become too much, but oh, what an entertaining episode it would be!
Joan grabs the first impression rose and has to walk by every single man in the house in order to find Keith. She loves that he made her feel safe, and says to the camera that she hasn’t felt that way since John passed away. On night one, too! What about Gerry, Joan!
Prior to the rose ceremony, Jesse brings in a television as if it’s time for class, and all the men watch videos sent by their families, particularly from their kids. Cheerful Gary chokes up while discussing his daughter and grandson, making this the second emotional moment for me. This show really gets me!
As the sun is about to rise, we’re commencing the rose ceremony. Natascha suggested it on ‘Golden Bachelor’, but couldn’t we provide chairs for these individuals? They’ve spent six decades on this earth already, and now they must stand for hours in their formal footwear? Well, the show isn’t budging on this issue. Here are the recipients of the roses: Dan, Jonathan, Mark, Guy, Charles K., Gil, Gary, Pascal, Chock, Kim, Christopher, Gregg, Charles L., Jordan, Bob, Michael, and JACK gets the last rose. I cheered (in a joyful manner).
In the upcoming series, we catch glimpses of scuba kissing, formal kissing, bowling matches, kickball games, elderly gentlemen in swimwear, increased screen time for Jack, Las Vegas scenes, moments where Joan expresses her love for Mark (!), and instances where Guy admits his feelings for Joan (!), and I am thrilled about the entire season.
Golden Bachelorette Scoring
Each week, I’ll be awarding 10 points, a golden badge, and a thumbs-up using the Michael Scott-inspired “Beach Games” system. One lucky individual might even find themselves taking an unexpected dip in a river of delicious chocolate!
• 10 Points: To Charles K. for basically doing the Willy Wonka fake-out with the cane.
• Gold Star: To Jack for his candle estimate.
• Thumbs-Up: To the horse that ran away from David and the producers.
• Dropped into a Sea of Chocolate: Mark, for comparing Joan to a brand-new pair of sweatpants. Frankly, sir, I’m curious about your thought process.
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2024-09-19 05:56