Why, hark! Tether, that old riverboat of stablecoins, is a-plotting to raise $15-20 billion from a “selected group of high-profile key investors”-a phrase that sounds like it was plucked from a pirate’s treasure map. CEO Paolo Ardoino, with the gravitas of a man who’s seen three apocalypses, declared the funds would “maximize the scale of the Company’s strategy” by “several orders of magnitude.” That’s code for “we’re gonna do more of this, and by golly, we’ll do it in style!”
At a $500 billion valuation, Tether would sit alongside OpenAI and SpaceX like a whale in a goldfish bowl. Circle, poor soul, would be left playing checkers with its $30 billion, muttering about unfair odds. The math? A 3% stake for $15-20 billion. That’s a deal so lopsided, even a barn cat could sniff out the absurdity.
“Maximize the scale of the Company’s strategy across stablecoins, AI, commodity trading, energy, and the occasional meteor shower…”
– Paolo Ardoino, September 24, 2025 🐾🚀
As for the US? Tether’s return is being handled with the delicacy of a politician’s handshake. Cantor Fitzgerald, the lead adviser, is probably busy sipping bourbon and scribbling equations on napkins. The firm, headquartered in El Salvador, has been turning stablecoin reserves into US Treasurys like a magician pulling rabbits from a hat. Last quarter’s $4.9 billion profit? A 99% margin, according to Ardoino, which is the sort of math that makes accountants weep and poets write sonnets.
With Trump’s pro-crypto charm offensive, Tether’s now got a new CEO-Bo Hines, a former White House crypto sage-and a stablecoin called USAT. It’s all “regulated under the GENIUS Act,” which sounds like a law passed by a committee of poets and philosophers.
“Next up a US IPO. Bye bye @circle”
– Arthur Hayes, September 24, 2025 🎭💣
The stablecoin market? It’s a circus, and Tether’s the ringmaster. USDT’s supply now hits $173 billion, a 26% surge since January. USDC trails like a lost puppy with $74 billion. The total stablecoin market cap? Nearing $300 billion, a number so large it makes the average man’s head spin like a top in a hurricane.
As Ram Ahluwalia, Lumida Wealth’s founder, once said, “Last year, I wanted a slice of Tether and got funny looks.” Well, folks, the joke’s on you. The stablecoin titan’s now the talk of the town, and Circle? It’s playing the role of the punchline. 🐘🎪
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2025-09-24 08:23