Slow Horses Incompetence Index: Honeypots and PowerPoints

As a seasoned spy, I can’t help but marvel at the intricate web of deceit and double-crossing that seems to be the lifeblood of this world we’re delving into week by week. The characters are as complex as they are captivating, each with their own secrets and motives.


The “Slow Horses Ineptitude Score” ranks the characters from the series who are struggling most with their jobs and personal lives after this week’s episode. It promises an engaging contest, as each character showcases unique ineptitude that adds to the enjoyment of the show.

It seems highly unlikely that this situation will have a positive outcome for the majority of characters in this complex web of mercenary activities and cover-ups. Jackson, being as resilient as a cockroach, should be able to navigate through unscathed. Diana, with her fashionable resilience, is also likely to make it out okay. However, many others appear to be headed towards danger.

In the latest turn of events, River finds himself in the clutches of relentless pursuers, uncovering a family secret that’s plagued him for two episodes. Claude’s life has been shattered in less than a week as David essentially confessed to treason. If Flyte manages to survive, she was ambushed by a Terminator and lost an important asset. (I’m using the term “high value” symbolically, you understand. Stop nitpicking.) Marcus made a deal selling a gun that may fall into criminal hands. Molly handed Frank the details required to capture River. Giti’s bosses seem to have a grudge against her for being exceptionally competent at work. Coe momentarily paused his music to begin undermining his colleagues, which is both amusing and distressing. Roddy discovered his girlfriend is based on a fraudulent algorithm. Things aren’t looking great for any of them.

What really sets this show apart is its captivating nature, to put it frankly. Each character constantly teeters on the edge of personal or professional disaster, frequently due to their own actions and character faults, which makes for an exhilarating viewing experience as events unfold week by week. It’s almost miraculous when they manage to survive the predicaments they find themselves in. Unfortunately, they don’t always make it out alive. Those who do carry the emotional wounds they already had, plus new ones from their harrowing experiences. Despite its potentially depressing subject matter, it’s hard not to enjoy the ride.

Let’s get to it.

Unranked

Moira, our Office Manager, would bring me great joy if she could somehow deal with Claude;

10.
Frank Harkness (Last week: 6)

Frank’s circumstances are gradually improving, albeit with some lingering complications, following numerous unsuccessful assassination attempts and a harrowing incident involving a hotel room dismemberment attempt by a prince with an extensive budget for bone saws. He manipulated Molly to obtain River, left behind cryptic envelopes, and seems intent on conveying a message. With Hugo Weaving portraying him, the character exudes an impressive villainous aura due to factors like his voice, posture, and overall charisma. It might be intriguing to create a show where Hugo Weaving and Jeremy Irons embody arch-villains orchestrating opposing evil plans that ultimately neutralize each other before the hero can intervene. This could serve as an interesting premise for potential development.

To put it another way, it’s quite clear that he will either not succeed or meet his end in the upcoming finale. This is partly due to the conventional nature of television storytelling and partly because attempting to overthrow an entire government with just one man and his son often leads to failure. This situation presents a great opportunity for Hugo, as it frees him up for the show starring Jeremy Irons. It’s a win-win scenario.

9.
Jackson (Last week: Unranked)

It’s quite amusing to me that he’s tackling this complex mystery that could endanger an entire nation, yet he’s still cruising around in the dilapidated taxi he once stole and used to attempt to take down an assassin. I mean, wouldn’t it be wiser to acquire a different vehicle? Maybe buy one or rent one. There are so many alternatives that are less noticeable than the one with the cracked windshield dotted with blood splatters. In fact, almost all of them would be less conspicuous.

8.
Molly From the Records Room (Last week: Unranked)

Two important things to note here:

➼ Molly is my favorite for a lot of reasons (cranky smartass, doesn’t take crap from anyone, uses the same brand of power wheelchair I do), so it hurt me physically to see her get outfoxed by Frank this week.
➼ If Frank had shot her, I would have been too mad to write this article.

I wished she could have accidentally rolled over him with her wheelchair, just to make certain, as we found out from Jackson last week.

7.
David Cartwright (Last week: Unranked)

David finds himself at position No. 7 this week, having initiated a series of events years ago by providing Frank Harkness with a terrorism starting package in exchange for his long-lost daughter. This action, while perhaps excusable for a parent, is nonetheless a betrayal as the leader of an intelligence agency. However, what stands out most is…

Is it correct that River’s mom is the one we’re hinting at through the various clues and Louisa’s phone call? Could it be possible that Frank Harkness might actually be River’s biological father? I pondered if this was the direction things were going last week, and now it seems I was on the right track. If River discovers the truth, he will undoubtedly make a classic River Cartwright expression.

6.
Louisa, Shirley, and Marcus (Last week: 9)

As a film enthusiast, I can’t help but ponder about an alternative ending that could have added depth to the plot. If only the show had included a post-credits scene where the bus driver shared with his co-workers the intriguing conversation he overheard – involving deals of guns to a dance-loving arms dealer, instances of cocaine use, and the shocking revelation about a deceased son who miraculously isn’t – after all.

5.
Diana (Last week: 5)

She just wants to cover up some schemes. Is that so wrong?

(It is.)

4.
River (Last week: 2)

It seems River hasn’t committed any significant errors this week, quite contrary to my expectations. In fact, he’s been relatively error-free throughout the season. Yet, what endears him to me is that despite avoiding major blunders, he manages to get himself held captive by two distinct individuals from two separate organizations within a short timeframe, with the majority of those hours spent handcuffed to the door of a black SUV.

I’m keen on watching him put together an IKEA furniture item. I suspect it might interfere with the Wi-Fi signal within a three-block area.

3.
Flyte (Last week: 6)

GET OUT OF THE CAR.

USE YOUR GUN.

HOW DOES ONE MAN TAKE OUT YOUR ENTIRE OPERATION?

SHOOT HIM.

COME ON.

TATTOO DOG’S DEATH IS ON YOUR HANDS.

AND RIVER’S ABDUCTION, TOO, I GUESS.

BUT COME ON.

2.
Roddy (Last week: 10)

It’s delightful to incorporate small details into this character each week. For instance, hanging mistletoe above his workstation so it hovers over him all day? Definitely. Being deceived by a seductive AI chatbot despite being a tech expert for an intelligence agency? Indeed. Utilizing an AVI with his actual face – mind you, he’s a spy – on top of a cartoonishly muscular body? You bet!

In a unique way, Roddy has mastered just one skill flawlessly, while life’s other facets seem to elude him entirely. Yet, his singular talent leaves me captivated.

1.
Claude (Last week: 4)

Claude’s situation is rapidly deteriorating. He’s reneging on the transparency that has been the cornerstone of his career, and it seems he may soon be exposed as a frequent client under the pseudonym “Galahad” in the adult entertainment industry. His actions could potentially be unmasked because he overlooked an email containing a photograph of the terrorists he’s been attempting to hide. Things are clearly not going well for him.

But my favorite part was the bungled PowerPoint presentation he tried to show Diana. I don’t think you could sum up the man’s entire Middle Management Stuffed Shirt Energy better if you dedicated the entire season to it. Which they kind of did. He’s not a smart man. That’s my point.

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2024-10-02 16:55