Senate’s Secret Plan: Will Crypto Finally Get Its Day in the Sun or Be Fed to the Wolves? 🐺💰

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Politico reports—whispers huddled in cigar-smoke, the way old men hide secrets in their graying mustaches—that Senate Majority Leader John Thune, whose face could make granite jealous, has taken a moment between important bouts of doing nothing to tip off his Republican comrades: the long-fabled GENIUS Act may lurch from the shadows before Memorial Day. What a holiday treat!

The bill’s full name drips with bureaucratic irony: “Guiding and Establishing National Innovation for US Stablecoins Act.” So, very “innovative,” they say, for the men in the shiny shoes to finally draw rules around digital dollars like USDT and USDC. Rules, after all, are the chains forged by the ambitious for the benefit of the uncertain.

Apparently even the Democrats, who on a windy day might argue about which way to walk, are lining up with polite nods at the committee level. If this thing passes, it might just be the biggest moment for the crypto industry since someone first asked, “Wait, what’s a blockchain?” The digital barons have yearned for “regulatory certainty” like parched peasants spotting a drop of water in the desert.

Senator Cynthia Lummis—our courageous Cassandra, champion of cryptocurrency and, one suspects, raspberries blown at the Federal Reserve’s window—confirmed the bill’s creeping momentum via X (formerly known as Twitter, not to be confused with a secret society). Lummis chides the Fed for their waffling: Regulate or vacate, she shouts into the ether, waving her digital pitchfork.

Stablecoin titans perk up: Tether (those notorious alchemists behind USDT) are polishing a fresh coin just for the Stars and Stripes, all while CEO Paolo Ardoino keeps one eye on Washington and the other on his crypto war chest. His next move? Entirely dependent, as usual, on which way the wind blows through those grand old marble halls. 🏛️💸

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2025-04-30 09:27