SEC Chair’s Wild Plan To Make The US The Crypto Party Planet You Never Knew You Wanted

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In a move that will surprise absolutely nobody who has ever witnessed bureaucracy try to keep pace with technology (“like watching a tortoise enter a drag race on a hoverboard,” as intergalactic regulatory scholars often quip), the new chair-human of the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission, Paul Atkins, has declared that crypto regulation is now a “priority.” The world, meanwhile, looked up from its blockchains, yawned politely, and immediately went back to trading pictures of pixelated apes for astonishing sums.

Mr. Atkins, who became SEC Chair in April (congratulations: commemorative tokens are still available on OpenSea), delivered this announcement at an event literally called the Crypto Task Force Roundtable on Tokenization—a title which probably sounded much cooler during the meeting planning stage, especially if you say it three times fast into a smart mirror.

Previous SEC regulatory guidelines, which were drafted at a time when “blockchain” was just the world’s least exciting Lego set, are loudly failing to comprehend today’s digital shenanigans. “We must boldly go where no SEC has gone before,” Atkins might have said, “through the wormhole of on-chain assets, to ensure regulations don’t vaporize actual progress or, worse, force everyone to use MySpace again.”


“If President Trump dreams of America as the ‘crypto capital of the planet’ (a catchy slogan that definitely sounds better than ‘Crypto Exurb of the Galaxy’), we at the Commission need to stop trying to fit crypto into cassette tape boxes. Off-chain rules strapped onto on-chain assets are about as effective as a screen door on a submarine, and have the added bonus of turning bright young crypto folks into experts in regulatory evasion. As SEC Chair, my noble quest will involve drafting an actually sane framework so crypto doesn’t devolve into a Darwinian experiment in financial chaos. 🚀”

When it comes to launching new crypto doodads (“issuance,” in the official tongue), Atkins is dispatching armies of SEC staffers to draft guidelines so clear and sensible that even your uncle, who still writes down his passwords on Post-it notes, could understand them. And apparently, he’s also hunting for “safe harbors,” presumably in case regulatory tsunamis hit.


“I’m encouraging the Commission folks to consider, ponder, and if necessary, daydream about new rules, guidance, magical exemptions and regulatory wormholes that will allow crypto asset launches in the U.S. without simultaneously requiring everyone to wear powdered wigs and speak in legalese. We’ve got loads of discretion under existing laws, so frankly, if we can’t make this work, we probably don’t deserve the cool engraved letterhead.” 😏

On the wild topic of “custody”—which is SEC-ese for “where do you actually keep this glimmering mess of digital assets so nobody runs away with the lot of it”—Atkins wants greater “optionality,” a word which, like “leverage” and “synergy,” causes interns everywhere to tremble.


“Apparently, we need clarity (who knew?) about what exactly counts as a ‘qualified custodian’ and, equally, who can just DIY their crypto safekeeping with a USB stick and a prayer. Oddly enough, many crypto folks are already using hyper-advanced, AI-guarded, triple-encrypted moon vaults, while some old-guard custodians seem to be running Windows 95 and hoping for the best. It may be time to tweak a rule or two rather than wait for the next quantum computer heist.” 🦾

But wait, there’s more: the SEC head wants broker-dealers to live their best lives by mingling securities and non-securities, so long as they all get along in a single, gloriously confusing app.


“There is literally nothing stopping registered broker-dealers from being the Applebee’s of financial assets—serving up both securities and non-securities in one place, possibly with unlimited breadsticks. The staff and I are scheming to make the ATS system a bit less prehistoric, so crypto can feel right at home… or at least not like it’s hiding behind the dumpsters hoping the security cameras are broken.” 📱✨

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2025-05-14 20:23