Parvati Shallow Is More than a Villain

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To enthusiasts of reality TV, Parvati Shallow is not just a winner from Survivor; she’s a legendary strategist, master manipulator, and (at least in The Traitors) a wearer of famous glittering headbands. Renowned for her cunning moves and no-holds-barred gameplay, Shallow has been given numerous nicknames such as Black Widow and Mistress of Murder. In her new memoir, Nice Girls Don’t Win: How I Burned It All Down to Claim My Power, which is available today, she reflects on her experiences and much more.

The story delves into Parvati Shallow’s tumultuous childhood in Kashi Ashram, a Florida-based spiritual commune led by the contentious figure Ma Jaya Bhagavati. This upbringing significantly influenced how she interacts with the world, whether on camera or off. According to Shallow, Ma portrayed herself as a divine conduit, dispensing teachings that induced altered mental states. Shallow recounts sleepless nights of meditation during which Ma would physically wake anyone who dozed off; a phase known as “the Rampage” when Ma became increasingly abusive and violent; and the complex strategies Ma employed to adopt followers’ newborns, whom she referred to as “Ma’s children” and raised in shared rooms by a revolving cast of caregivers. Shallow also shares how her name, Parvati, was bestowed upon her by Ma herself. Reflecting on her past, Shallow discusses the initial supportive atmosphere of the commune that later turned coercive, her parents’ meeting within it, and their eventual departure to forge a new life.

In the book, Shallow’s talent lies in discovering wisdom and optimism from every story she shares. Her challenging childhood molded her into a resilient individual. Despite ending her marriage with John Fincher, a participant from Survivor: Samoa, in 2021, she continues to treasure their daughter Ama and the life lessons she learned during pregnancy. The loss of her brother Kaelan, who passed away due to an accidental overdose in 2009, led her to explore a deeper spiritual connection. It’s not surprising that outside of making her adversaries cry on the beach, Shallow dedicates her time to coaching others on personal growth. Essentially, the book Nice Girls Don’t Win encourages readers to consider the power they can harness through dedication and emotional openness.

I had a conversation with Shallow about the lessons she’s learned from her various experiences and how she transformed those insights into a single book. This task, surprisingly, proved to be a “trial of emotional fortitude.” As Shallow puts it, whenever she answers the call of adventure and dives headfirst into it, she anticipates facing some tough obstacles. However, she also believes that these adventures will grant her extraordinary abilities.

Have you ever pondered if you’ve always desired to pen a memoir? Although I’ve made numerous attempts at writing a book, it simply never came to fruition. I was unable to devise a structure or pinpoint its subject matter. Initially, I envisioned it as a “how-to,” given my passion for personal development. As a dedicated Virgo, this resonates with me deeply. However, what I’ve come to understand over the course of my life, particularly after losing my brother and experiencing grief, is that the books that provided the most solace were those sharing personal stories and memoirs. Consequently, as I crafted my book, it transitioned from a “how-to” guide into a deeply personal narrative, serving to uplift others and, in truth, older me extending empathy and guidance to younger me during the challenging periods of my life.

Instead of winging it or hiring a ghostwriter, you chose to collaborate with a writing coach for two years to mold your book’s style and storyline. Was there a particular reason behind this decision?
Writing my book was an essential step for me, as I found myself at a crossroads in my life – having just filed for divorce, moving out on my own for the first time, and questioning how I ended up here. I had a strong desire to create a completely new life for myself following this period of divorce. This decision was not an easy one, but I believed it would be worthwhile. To achieve this transformation, I realized I needed to examine myself as the root cause of all my troubles – to understand and resolve them. Consequently, I embarked on a deep introspective journey.

I can’t say I recall much of my childhood. People have always told me it was perfect. However, I’ve begun to question this idealized version. As I delved deeper by listening to my parents’ tales and those of others, I realized that my childhood was actually quite challenging and significantly shaped the life and relationships I now have.

How much of the information in this book sheds light on experiences from your early childhood that your parents seldom discussed? Given their reluctance to revisit these memories, how much of what’s written here is fresh insight, even for you?

It felt much the same as when I transitioned into motherhood for the first time. I could sense that our marriage was troubled, but I lacked the mental strength to initiate any kind of change or introspection – neither examining nor analyzing anything. I simply moved forward one step at a time: making sure my child ate and woke up, as she cried. This was the state my parents were in when we departed, and eventually, life took over with its own pace. I found myself adapting, learning to live in an entirely new culture – one filled with pop music, denim, and various novelties. Even basic things like shoes were a surprise; I remember thinking, “What?

Many aspects of the book were novel to me, and I delved deeper into understanding Ma, the spiritual leader, discovering that she honed her abilities at a weight-loss center. There, she mastered breathwork practices which led to altered mental states, which she later shared with others. In these altered conditions, compliance is often easier to achieve. This concept seems quite relevant today in the United States. It appears that people can more easily be controlled when they’re living in fear and survival mode. Reflection and transformation are challenging without a sense of security and personal space.

Are you apprehensive about revealing this aspect of yourself publicly? On one hand, the thrill-seeker in me is excited about sharing my experiences and surprising people. Yet, on the other, I recognize the value in telling these kinds of stories because they might challenge the perception people have of me based on my reality TV persona. People often see me as a tough, no-nonsense character who never falters. However, I’ve had my share of struggles that are distinctly human.

I want to protect the tender and vulnerable parts of my story, like losing my brother and falling in love, but I also understand their importance in completing my book. So, there’s a part of me that wants to keep them safe, like precious memories in a treasure box, but at the same time, I recognize they should be shared as they offer valuable insights into my journey.

As a movie reviewer reflecting on my journey, I must admit that my relationship with comedian Mae Martin has profoundly altered my self-perception at a fundamental level. This transformation is not merely skin deep; it’s as if every cell in my body has been rewired. It was like the experience of giving birth, and I vividly captured this sensation in my book.

When we ventured out into the world together, my mind felt realigned, while everyone else seemed to carry on as usual. I found myself thinking, “How could they simply be carrying on? What is going on here?” It was a bit terrifying at times, but it also brought with it an overwhelming sense of wonder and joy. The relationship continues to evolve, shaping me in ways I never thought possible.

Could you let me know if your relationship is ongoing?
Regarding the intimate details found within the book, I’ll choose to maintain privacy about those matters.

For many years, I’ve been known by the public, yet my personal life has remained a mystery. Over time, it’s felt like I’ve been perceived but not truly understood or seen. By penning this book, I aim to share more of myself and be seen as a whole human being. It feels empowering for me to finally tell my own story.

In the “Freeze” chapter, I discuss how the current season of Survivor incorporates elements from contestants’ personal lives into the show for a more comprehensive portrayal of their character. This wasn’t present during my seasons of Survivor. Therefore, this is my attempt to reclaim and redeem my story. This is my redemption narrative, where I can affirm, “Yes, what you witnessed was just a glimpse of a person who excelled in this arena, played an outstanding game, while simultaneously grappling with numerous hardships and vulnerabilities.

After exiting that game, I faced harsh criticism not only from the media, critics, and spectators, but also from my fellow players. For quite some time, I resisted, then conceded, and eventually managed to dig myself out of a deep hole of embarrassment so I could live well, appreciate myself, and be extremely proud of the work I accomplished on these shows. It’s not simple; it’s not easy to participate in Survivor, let alone three times consecutively, performing as effectively as I did within such a demanding environment. I should be proud of that, but for a long time, I wasn’t. Now, though, I’m happy that I can be.

One of the biggest challenges when getting ready for “The Traitors” was the wardrobe aspect. On “Survivor,” you only need one outfit, but with Alan Cumming hosting “Traitors,” I had to step up my fashion game.

Since the show “Traitors” aired, how many headbands have you accumulated so far? [I’ve collected quite a few and keep them on a shelf, but I don’t usually wear them in my daily life, so I’ll need to rewatch “Traitors” to sport them again.]

Do you ever carry resentment from a reality show season once it ends? Personally, I don’t harbor grudges because I prefer not to let negative energy affect me. Moreover, if I can find it within myself to forgive my own actions, then it’s only fair that I extend the same courtesy to others for doing what they had to do to win. Therefore, no, I don’t hold grudges.

Has there been a change in how people perceive “villains” on reality TV shows over time, or do you believe the appreciation for strategic gameplay and strength has grown among viewers?

There’s something quite exhilarating about embracing the role of a villain. It means I no longer feel the pressure to demonstrate my goodness, and it frees me from the burden of trying to please others or win their approval. I find joy in being true to myself without worrying about other people’s opinions anymore.

As a movie critic, I’ve noticed an intriguing shift in the portrayal of female villains, and it seems that the LGBTQ+ community is spearheading this change. Their appreciation for these complex characters has brought about a more joyful and playful perspective on women who embody villainous roles.

I recently attended drag shows where performers donned costumes inspired by Sandra Diaz-Twine, Jerri Manthey, Cirie Fields, and myself – iconic female figures from the realm of reality TV. These drag queens put on grand, vibrant, and humorous performances that reimagine these women villains as symbols of empowerment, self-expression, and authenticity. This is a development I find truly captivating.

It appears your book has a recurring theme of mermaids, as you liken your mother’s hair to a mermaid’s, name one of your daughters after the Ama in Japan who are often referred to as real-life mermaids, and mention feeling like a mermaid while swimming during Survivor. What is the origin of this fascination with mermaids?

Are you, by any chance, a mermaid yourself?

As a Pisces hailing from Florida, we’re not far apart in spirit. I was captivated by the Little Mermaid as a child, it was my beloved Disney movie. I felt like Ariel, always dreaming about breathing underwater. When she exchanged her voice for legs, I couldn’t help but think, “How often have I made similar sacrifices in my life?” It seems like a recurring theme. Now, I find myself identifying more with Ursula. She’s so bold and charismatic, a real “wow factor.” My child and I often play out this dynamic, where she’s Ariel and I embody Ursula – it’s her favorite role-playing game.

As a movie enthusiast, I found myself drawn to the film’s symbolic journey into the abyss of deep, emotional waters. For me, submerging myself in this realm is an innate need, a compulsion almost, to find solace and feel at home. This film has become an integral part of my life, and my daughter, born under the Cancer sign, shares this watery connection. Being a grand water trine, she too embodies a profound emotional depth that resonates with me on a deeply personal level.

Initially, it seemed like I was about to express her fate was grim, but… Since I served as a vessel for her intense feelings during childhood, I found myself needing to focus on personal growth. Expressing emotions as a child in the commune wasn’t encouraged; only the guru could do so freely. The rest of us had to remain composed, disciplined, and selfless. That was my upbringing. No one explicitly explained the situation; it was just the environment I lived in. Now that I have gained independence, I can reflect on the past and realize, “Wow, that environment was quite harmful.

In your view, pregnancy is often portrayed as a significant journey women must endure for the sake of childbirth, followed by an emphasis on regaining one’s physical form. Many people ask about this aspect, such as “How did you get your body back?” However, it seems uncommon for them to consider that the process might involve overcoming personal hardships, like a deteriorating relationship or participating in a challenging reality show like ‘Survivor’ and experiencing extreme weight loss. Is this really the ideal way we want women to restore their bodies after childbirth?

If given a magic wand, I’d transform the world to offer more assistance to women, particularly during pregnancy and early motherhood. In essence, I’d say, “Understand, this life-changing event is unlike anything you’ve experienced before. You will never be the same afterwards. Take your time. Rest, sleep, eat, relax, watch TV, even be idle. Don’t focus too much on achievements. This is your chance to let go of old habits and live fully in the moment, because once your baby arrives, all they require from you is your presence. And it can be challenging to provide that when you’re preoccupied with what you’re missing out on or unable to do due to pregnancy or a newborn, while friends are getting married overseas and you can’t join their boat trips and sip Champagne.” If I could redo my own journey, I would establish more support systems for myself and simply allow myself to unwind.

This writing experience seemed to reveal to me that I am capable of fully dedicating myself to something incredibly demanding emotionally. It’s about facing intense feelings and giving them time to be understood, transformed, and used as a source of personal power. I had always believed I could overcome any physical challenge, having done so on Survivor numerous times. But this was an emotional test of endurance, and I feel like I not only survived but thrived.

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2025-07-08 19:55