What’s one to know, old bean:
- Kraken staggered into the limelight with a $472 million haul in Q1, up 19% year-over-year. That’s more zeros than Jeeves’s sock drawer.
- The exchange snatched up NinjaTrader, which, as far as I can tell, does not involve actual ninjas (disappointing), but does bring a whiff of old-school derivatives to the crypto ball.
- New gadgets and gizmos launched for retail and institutional investors alike, plus talk of regular Proof of Reserves, presumably to reassure Aunt Agatha and the other worrywarts.
Picture the scene: the crypto market resembling last night’s champagne—flat as a pancake—and yet, Kraken has somehow managed to pocket $472 million in Q1 2025. That’s a 19% jump, which any bookmaker would say is a bit rich given the market’s recent impression of a wounded jellyfish.
Adjusted EBITDA, which in layman’s terms means “how much we made before the bean counters arrived,” is up to $187 million. That’s a 17% rise over last year—enough to make even the most poker-faced of accountants allow themselves a rare, tight-lipped smile.
Trading volumes up 29%, funded accounts up 26%—quite the soirée, really—while assets on the platform slipped a smidge (down 2% to $34.9 billion), which Kraken blames on market value dropping. But who’s counting when your party is otherwise swinging? 🥳
Star turn of the quarter: Kraken’s grand acquisition of NinjaTrader. No smoke bombs or throwing stars, but apparently the “largest-ever deal” bridging the stuffy halls of traditional finance with the bustling bazaar of crypto. Cue dramatic orchestral crescendo.
“With this deal,” Kraken practically trumpeted from its marble balcony, “we’re not just expanding, we’re fortifying our derivatives garrison for both TradFi types and crypto daredevils alike.” Humans will soon be able to trade anything that isn’t nailed down, all in one place.
Crypto dweebs can hop into traditional futures, while NinjaTrader’s home crowd can take a cheeky punt on crypto—what could possibly go wrong? 🧐
All part of Kraken’s masterplan to become the Harrods of digital and traditional assets, apparently. This slick maneuver arrived alongside the charmingly-named Kraken Pay (perfect for impressing continental cousins), and soon, the crypto debit card—so you too can buy a pint with magic internet money, courtesy of Mastercard.
Not to be outdone in the transparency department, Kraken unveiled a Proof of Reserves attestation using something called a Merkle tree. No relation to garden shrubbery, alas. Audited as of March 31, these proofs will be trotted out quarterly, to soothe frayed nerves and convince everyone their digital treasure is safe from marauding pirates. 🏴☠️
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2025-05-02 15:13