JP Morgan Crypto Queen Tapped to Tame Bitcoin—Wall Street’s Gold Rush Gets Absurd

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If one wanders into the wild reaches of asset management, one’s bound to stumble across Invesco’s latest innovation—a digital gambit anything but restful. The appointment of Kathleen Wrynn, presumed to be in possession of both nerves of steel and an inexhaustible supply of acronyms, as head of their crypto ETF concerns seems less like corporate prudence and more like a desperate mission into the jungle of blockchain, armed with nothing but a vintage luncheon basket and a well-thumbed copy of *The Economist*.

Wrynn, who reportedly endured the rigors of JP Morgan (presumably for the frequent flyer miles), is now tasked with transforming Invesco’s digital asset portfolio, which—according to a suspiciously optimistic press release—is worth $1.6 billion, spread thick across ETFs and “ecosystem” paraphernalia. (“Ecosystem” here means “nobody knows what these funds actually do, but it all sounds terribly green.”)

‘Will work closely with the global technology organization to identify and lead opportunities to leverage blockchain technology, such as initiatives to tokenize our funds and integrate digital assets into our investment strategies.’

—Invesco mouthpiece, Morgan Stanley U.S. Financials Conference, June 10, 2025 (over canapés and an underwhelming PowerPoint)

The entire charade is, of course, only the latest symptom of a previously manageable Wall Street fever that’s escalated into full-blown crypto hysteria. A Coinbase report assures us that 86% of institutional investors are either already neck-deep in crypto, or at least planning to say they were, should the market actually reward such behavior in 2025.

No one seems to have noticed that “the future of Bitcoin” is always “looming.” Looming, one notices, is its default state—much like a governess in an Edwardian nursery.

Bitcoin Now a Luxury Asset (Because Anything That’s Unusable Must Be Rare 👑)

So here we all are: Bitcoin, once the anarchist’s favourite thumb in the eye of central banks, now rubs shoulders with the likes of Van Gogh’s sunflowers and whatever was hiding in the back of Gatsby’s garage. Supposedly it will now weather a recession better than your average hedge fund manager’s liver.

Companies, institutions, and—inevitably—entire countries are snatching up Bitcoin as quickly as they discard economic fundamentals. The global economy, meanwhile, is as stable as a gin-and-tonic on a trampoline.

Not that the plebs are excluded from the festivities. According to Triple-A, a name that suggests third-tier car insurance, over 560 million crypto owners now haunt the planet, seemingly proving that at least 6.9% of the world’s population can’t spell “volatility.”

3.44 million Bitcoins now languish in the vaults of companies, exchanges, and governments, an adoption rate up 3.81% in 30 days—a growth curve that even houseplants would envy.

Michael Saylor’s Strategy waves the largest flag, hoarding 592,000 BTC—a number that would cause a Victorian railroad baron to blush. Other contestants:

  • Metaplanet: currently controlling 10,000 BTC; their ambition, apparently written in cuneiform, is a 20,000 BTC pile by 2027. Solid retirement plan, if humanity lasts that long.
  • MARA Holdings: a miner stacked with 49,543 coins, “producing” BTC at a rate of 30 per day. Less gold rush, more extremely aggressive potato farming.
  • GameStop has bought 4,710 BTC, apparently as a hedge against their next, inevitable meme-driven catastrophe.
  • Riot Platforms: 19,225 Bitcoins, mined at a distinctly less ambitious pace of 16 per day.
  • Galaxy Digital Holdings: holding 12,830 (or as they call it, “enough to bankrupt a small town”).
  • Mercurity Fintech: planning an $800 million reserve while offering the usual platitudes about “tokenization” with a straight face.
  • Cantor Equity’s shares jumped by 500% after a merger, because nothing says “wise investment” like joining forces to hoard more digital tokens than the GDP of Tonga.

According to Gemini and Glassnode, more than 30% of Bitcoin now rests in the chilly embrace of centralized entities—a revelation to send any decentralization purist directly to the fainting couch.

Apparently, as Bitcoin grows less volatile, governments and pension funds everywhere are lining up for their allotted slice of imaginary pie.

Even more amusing, none of these titans are selling—the original “diamond hands,” though one suspects they have more in common with hoarding dragons from Tolkien than with principled investors. Scarcity, it seems, is now their principal commodity, and Michael Saylor the self-appointed gatekeeper. 🐉

Enter Adam Livingston, BTC analyst (and unironically the author of “The Bitcoin Age and the Great Harvest,” which sounds suspiciously like a lost Evelyn Waugh novel):

Apparently, “Strategy” now buys four times as much BTC as all miners can produce. Somewhere, OPEC is reading Bitcoin op-eds and quietly taking notes.

‘Access to Bitcoin will require paying a premium. Lending against Bitcoin will cost more. Borrowing Bitcoin will become a luxury business reserved for nation-states and corporate whales. Strategy will control the bottleneck.’

—Adam Livingston, via X (posted, presumably, while lunching at the Savoy)

Bitcoin: The Future of Finance (or: When You Have No Choice, Call It Inevitable)

River’s 2025 Bitcoin Adoption Report notes that funds, ETFs, and businesses now outnumber traders, indicating that “the suits” have invaded the disco.

Their rationale? Fidelity Digital Assets insists it’s all terribly prudent: fair value accounting, a hedge against inflation, strict monetary policy—you know, the sort of high-minded platitudes found scribbled on bar napkins after the third G&T.

  • Bitcoin’s value somehow “always trends upward,” defying both logic and several decades’ worth of market history.
  • The FASB now allows proper accounting for crypto assets, which is a treat for the more numerate auditors.
  • Bitcoin is promoted as a shield against inflation, which would be adorable if inflation was afraid of decimal points.
  • Somehow it’s also immune to banking system “monetary debasement”—because nothing lends legitimacy like being limited to 21 million, as all good money is.

Bitcoin’s outpacing gold, despite its market cap being one-tenth the size—a feat made possible by magic, optimism, and the patience of a saint.

Analysts insist it won’t stop here: Cathy Wood envisions a $1.5M Bitcoin by 2030, while the Stock-to-Flow model audaciously stares at the abyss and whispers, “double it.” If numbers could actually go to the moon, this would be the ride.

In short, Bitcoin’s future looks bright—according to everyone who stands to gain from its continued ascension. Fiat currencies, meanwhile, are looking on from the wings with expressions best described as “poised for retirement.”

The Inescapable Imperfections (Or, Bitcoin’s Shambolic Underbelly)

Yet, for all the revelry and apocalyptic market predictions, Bitcoin is rather more jalopy than limousine. Its glaring issues remain:

  • It’s slower than a telegram from the colonies, lumbering through a paltry 3.3-7 transactions per second—leaving confirmation times so long one could read a Russian novel in the interval.
  • Its vaunted decentralization guarantees inefficiency. Updating protocols is not so much a process as a séance.
  • “Subpar” security—as if anyone in crypto would recognize security if it bit them on the ankle.

Solutions abound, astonishingly ineffective. The Lightning Network, hailed as Layer 2 messiah, fizzled out with all the subtlety of an Edwardian firework—cheerful, bright, and of no earthly consequence.

Proof of Stake (PoS) was mooted, but PoW’s defenders circle the wagons, clutching their ledgers with the sort of devotion usually reserved for rare postage stamps.

The result: hope, but only in the ineffable way that Victorians hoped for improved train timetables—desperately and, alas, eternally disappointed.

Bitcoin Hyper ($HYPER): A Layer 2 So Grand It Has A Slogan

And so, enter Bitcoin Hyper ($HYPER), the latest in a proud tradition of unnecessarily optimistic upgrades. Deigned to catapult Bitcoin out of the digital dark ages, it promises to make transactions quicker than a footman whisking away your sherry glass.

  • Low-latency layer: Acts as a devoted go-between, ferrying transactions faster than you can say “unexpected audit.”
  • Solana Virtual Machine (SVM): Because, if you can’t make your product work, borrow someone else’s and pray no one notices.
  • The Canonical Bridge: Mint tokens here, withdraw there, and try not to use the word “Ponzi” in polite conversation.

Bitcoin Hyper is in presale now—conveniently, at the bargain price of $0.011925. By the end of 2025, one is, apparently, promised $0.32, which amounts to a return of 2,583%. (Historical note: if someone in the City offers this over luncheon, check your cutlery.)

If miracles persist, $HYPER might be $0.90 by 2030—a theoretical ROI of 7,447%. (Should this occur, please forward your address so I may deliver my compliments via carrier pigeon.)

The project boasts a dynamic APY of 551%, because if you’re not making up acronyms, are you really in crypto?

The presale awaits. Pull the cord, ring for the butler, and leap aboard the hype train with both feet. The first-class carriage is empty and the lounge bar fully stocked.

Is Bitcoin the Future? (If Not, At Least It’s The Present!)

Bitcoin is, one must admit, unambiguously inevitable, rather like one’s mother-in-law at Christmas.

With adoption rates, performance charts, and techno-optimism rising faster than the price of entry to a Mayfair club, it’s hard to argue with the prevailing enthusiasm. This isn’t advice, merely a suggestion: as in all speculative bubbles, mind the gap.

If nothing else, the next era of finance will be more entertaining than the last. Probably noisier, too. 🥂

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2025-06-18 14:36