I’ve been around for quite a bit, and let me tell you, the most goth street sign is the one that reads “CAUTION: BROKEN HEARTS AHEAD.” It’s got that haunting aura of melancholy that only a true goth can appreciate.
In a similar vein to how Bane, the second-most goth villain, once told Batman, the most goth superhero, “You merely embraced the darkness; I was nurtured by it,” I’d like to humbly express that I’ve immersed myself quite deeply in the eerie alternative culture. My wedding took place on Halloween, and our cat is a resident of Hollywood Forever Cemetery. I have a soft spot for “Queen of the Damned,” not entirely without sincerity!
everything can be classified as either gothic, punk, or metal. This is similar to how people often say that girls have cat, dog, or bird facial features. To illustrate, let’s consider diseases. Tuberculosis fits the goth category, given its somber and mysterious nature. Hemorrhagic fever falls under metal due to its intense and extreme characteristics. As for gangrene, it’s punk because of its gritty and unpredictable associations, such as the risk of stepping on a rusty nail at a DIY basement show. This categorization extends to various aspects of life – elements (lead is goth, while other heavy metals are metal), architecture, modes of transportation, even prehistoric creatures (the stegosaurus is punk because of its mohawk-like plates). On Vulture’s Goth Day, we invite you to take the ultimate goth test and see where you fit in this unique classification system.
Correct! Knowing things is very dark academia, and being insufferable about knowing things is downright Byronic.
Incorrect. Knowing things is very dark academia, and being insufferable about knowing things is downright Byronic.
Correct! Kourtney’s smoothie includes activated charcoal, the most goth bullshit health food on the market.
Sorry, but Kourtney’s smoothie includes activated charcoal, the most goth bullshit health food on the market.
Correct. Joker and Poison Ivy are punk (pop punk and eco-anarchist, respectively). Killer Croc is the most metal of the rogues’ gallery. Penguin, especially the Tim Burton version, is a pale outcast who thinks wearing stripes can make him seem cool.
Nope. Joker and Poison Ivy are punk (pop punk and eco-anarchist, respectively). Killer Croc is the most metal of the rogues’ gallery. Penguin, especially the Tim Burton version, is a pale outcast who thinks wearing stripes can make him seem cool.
Exactly. Knives are metal, and spoons are folk punk (especially if they’re made of wood). Forks can be used to simulate vampire-bite marks on your neck. And they’re featured prominently in The Little Mermaid. We all know the goth/Disney adult overlap is strong.
Wrong. Knives are metal, and spoons are folk punk (especially if they’re made of wood). Forks can be used to simulate vampire-bite marks on your neck. And they’re featured prominently in The Little Mermaid. We all know the goth/Disney adult overlap is strong.
Kissing a dead girl? C’mon.
Nope, it’s Snow White. Kissing a dead girl? C’mon.
Correct. Bella saves the day by trying to sacrifice herself, which is pretty goth.
Sorry, but it has to be Eclipse. Bella saves the day by trying to sacrifice herself, which is pretty goth.
Right, because that’s what they serve at Denny’s at 3 a.m. after a Siouxsie and the Banshees cover show.
Wrong. It’s seasoned fries, because that’s what they serve at Denny’s at 3 a.m. after a Siouxsie and the Banshees cover show.
Right. Velvet curtains would be nice, but perpetual darkness takes precedent.
Wrong! Perpetual darkness trumps all.
Yes. Because they’re not really sports. And they’re a classic indoor-kid activity. And some of their biggest matches take place in the most goth resort on the Las Vegas Strip, the tomb-themed, actually haunted Luxor.
Actually, yes they are. Because they’re not really sports. And they’re a classic indoor-kid activity. And some of their biggest matches take place in the most goth resort on the Las Vegas Strip, the tomb-themed, actually haunted Luxor.
Correct. Despite having a preponderance of magicians (goth occupation), Las Vegas is too hot and lawless to be truly goth.
Wrong. Despite having a preponderance of magicians (goth occupation), Las Vegas is too hot and lawless to be truly goth.
Yes, but many stand-ups think they’re punk. Sad.
Actually, it is, but many stand-ups think they’re punk. Sad.
Correct. It’s the sign with the most BDSM overtones.
Wrong. Yield is the sign with the most BDSM overtones.
Right. Dan Aykroyd will tell you about his paranormal investigations or his skull-shaped vodka at the drop of a hat.
No, it’s Dan Aykroyd, who will tell you about his paranormal investigations or his skull-shaped vodka at the drop of a hat.
Correct. All these movies are goth, but it’s The Matrix, for the fits alone.
Sorry, all these movies are goth, but it’s The Matrix, for the fits alone.
Correct. Openly depressed, dumb hat, a little fruity, theatergoer, often found at Disneyland.
Wrong! It’s Abraham Lincoln. Openly depressed, dumb hat, a little fruity, theatergoer, often found at Disneyland.
Yep. Theda Bara’s image was an act she resented. No studio told Jolie to do the blood-vial thing.
Nope. Theda Bara’s image was an act she resented. No studio told Jolie to do the blood-vial thing.
Yes. Everyone else wrote gnarly fiction, but only Mary Shelly (allegedly) lost her v-card on her mother’s grave and kept her late husband’s mummified heart.
No, everyone else wrote gnarly fiction, but only Mary Shelly (allegedly) lost her v-card on her mother’s grave and kept her late husband’s mummified heart.
Correct. 1813, a.k.a. “The Year Without a Summer.” 33 AD is the most metal year (death of Christ, plus any year with three or fewer digits is in the metal epoch). And 1977 is the most punk year.
Nope. It’s 1813, a.k.a. “The Year Without a Summer.” 33 AD is the most metal year (death of Christ, plus any year with three or fewer digits is in the metal epoch). And 1977 is the most punk year.
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2024-08-21 19:54