Fed’s Money Printing: Finally? Don’t Hold Your Breath! 😒💸

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So here we go again: The US Federal Reserve, led by Jerome Powell—who moves slower than a snail on a Sunday stroll—claims it’s “absolutely” ready to jump in and save the day if the financial system freaks out. Yeah, sure, like that’s not the same line we heard every time there’s a hiccup. Maybe instead of dragging their feet, they should invest in roller skates. 🛼

Apparently, this mythical “Fed pivot” everyone’s been waiting for might happen… sometime. Months away, they say. Meanwhile, they started loosening things up last month by shrinking the redemption cap on Treasurys by 80%—whatever that means in normal human speak. Just sounds like financial mumbo jumbo with fancy numbers. 🤷‍♂️

Here’s the kicker: the Fed’s policies supposedly have this gravitational pull on global markets because of the almighty US dollar liquidity. This has a direct effect on Bitcoin and all those other crypto things that either make you rich or make you want to cry into your coffee. Since COVID-19, Bitcoin is basically like a shadow following liquidity around, confirmed by some brainy folks at Kingston University of London in a 2024 paper. Academia, am I right? 📜👓

This week’s Crypto Biz newsletter dishes out some juicy quotes from a top central banker, and dives into all the hustle around Ethereum ETFs and Bitcoin mining—because apparently, that’s how we determine if the apocalypse is near. 🔥⛏️

Fed’s Collins: “We Got Your Back — Unless We Don’t”

Boston Fed head honcho Susan Collins assures us the Fed will “absolutely” backstop markets if things go south. Liquidity constraints, market hiccups—you name it. But “not seeing liquidity concerns” right now, so, y’know, don’t panic yet. She also promises they have “tools” ready, which sounds less like a toolbox and more like a dusty old wrench. 🛠️

Collins votes on the Federal Open Market Committee, which basically sets interest rates like they’re playing Monopoly. Investors seem to think they won’t cut rates this May, but hey, June is looking spicy with a 67.5% chance. Betting on the Fed? I’d rather bet on my cat picking a winning lottery number. 🐱💰

US Regulators Say “Yes” to ETH Options—Finally

The SEC, those gatekeepers who love to take their sweet time, have now allowed options trading on several spot Ether ETFs. BlackRock, Bitwise, Fidelity, trust-me-they’re legit… now you can hedge your bets if ETH decides to do a nosedive. Sounds thrilling. Maybe now institutional money will care a little more. 🏦📉

And hey, this might open the door for staking approval in May, says some Bloomberg analyst dude named James Seyffart. Staking, for the uninitiated, is like babysitting your coins and hoping they come back with friends. 🤞

Canada’s Like, “Hold My Maple Syrup”—Solana Staking ETFs

While the SEC continues to twiddle their thumbs on crypto staking, Canadian regulators went ahead and approved Solana staking ETFs. Who knew Canada would be the cool crypto kid? 3iQ, Purpose, and some other firms got the green light, promising yields of 6-8%. That’s better than finding a decent bagel in Boston. 🥯🍁

Fun fact: 3iQ launched a spot Bitcoin ETF back in 2021, way before the US even got around to saying “maybe.” Maybe they’re just faster because they don’t have endless meetings about whether the meetings should have meetings. 🇨🇦✨

Bitdeer Ditches Supply Chain Drama—Self-Mining All the Way

Remember Bitdeer? Bitcoin mining company that’s now all-in on self-mining because hey, trade wars are messing with supply chains and mining rigs don’t grow on trees. Bloomberg reports they’re focusing on their own operations because demand for rigs is down. Makes sense—why sell rigs when you can mine your own Bitcoin? 🤦‍♂️⛏️

And speaking of mining, Donald Trump’s offspring, Eric and Don Jr., are jumping into the Bitcoin mining party, backed by good old “Made in America” vibes. Because nothing screams patriotism like mining virtual money in a basement somewhere. 🇺🇸💥

Crypto Biz is your weekly reminder that yes, this stuff is still happening, and no, it’s not getting any less confusing.

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2025-04-18 23:13