Eric Trump Predicts Banks’ Imminent Doom—Crypto to the Rescue?!

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Somewhere in Manhattan, between the echoes of polished marble and the buzzing of electric tickers (which hold a curious obsession for digits), Eric Trump, the lesser-quoted scion of the Trump household, has found himself peering into the abyss of banking’s future. Or perhaps he just finished a lukewarm cup of coffee and mistook caffeine anxiety for prophetic vision. On April 30, in an interview with CNBC—a channel where good news goes to die—he proclaimed a warning so dire that the ghost of Dostoevsky nearly sat up in his grave: embrace crypto, or vanish into the pit of irrelevance.

One might wonder: why should we lend our ears to the second son of a former president who once held court with beauty queens and dubious steaks?

Why Eric Trump Speaks, and Why Banks Should Try Not To Cry

Apparently, Eric has issued a weather report for financiers: “If the banks don’t watch what’s coming, they’re going to be extinct in 10 years.” Not since the dinosaurs has there been such a cheerful outlook for extinction.

The banks, with their “expensive” taste and slavering adoration of the ultra-wealthy, have fallen from Eric’s boyish grace. Traditional banking, he reckons, is a vodka-soaked horse-drawn carriage clattering down a cobblestone path—slow, noisy, and highly susceptible to being overtaken by… let’s say, the blockchain-powered Tesla of finance.

He singles out the SWIFT system, that venerable messenger of international despair, for its penchant for making people wait. “SWIFT is an absolute disaster,” Eric Trump stated, with the gravitas of someone who once waited twenty minutes for an ATM receipt. The global payments system, apparently, is just not swift enough for a man in a hurry.

Crypto: The Last Refuge of The Slightly Annoyed

What lures Eric into the digital arms of cryptocurrency, aside from the irresistible siren’s call of technology that is poorly understood by most uncles?

He muses, “What got me into [cryptocurrency] is the fact I realized our banking system was weaponized against the vast majority of people in our country. Either the people who don’t have the zeros, or those who have worn that fetching red hat. And it forced me into the crypto world.”

One can picture Eric wandering wall-eyed through bank lobbies, a modern-day Chekhovian protagonist, hunted by unsympathetic tellers and sinister checking fees, his soul battered until only Bitcoin’s cold embrace could provide comfort.

Banks and Crypto: A Marriage Arranged by Desperation

Meanwhile, somewhere across the Atlantic, Europeans are quietly adopting crypto in their modest, nonchalant manner. Over 50 banks, we’re told, have flung open their doors to digital assets, presumably after checking under the sofa cushions for spare blockchain. (Circle’s Patrick Hansen keeps score with the enthusiasm of a man counting vegetables at a cabbage market.)

In the US, another Caesar—albeit orange-haired—paces the White House, muttering about expanding crypto banking. Advisers promise to battle “Chokepoint 2.0,” a phrase that sounds like either a bad pro-wrestling move or the world’s most boring sequel. The Federal Reserve, not to be outdone, has tweaked its policy, instilling hope among crypto romantics that soon, both banker and blockchain bro will stare glumly at each other across impeccably polished desks.

So, will banks adopt crypto and survive? Or, as Eric predicts, will they become curious footnotes, like steam locomotives or polite Twitter debates? Only time will tell, and possibly, a few more Trump interviews. 🕰️💰

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2025-04-30 14:49