Eric Trump Claims Banks Are Doomed Unless They Go Full Crypto—You Won’t Believe What Happened Next!

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If there is one thing to be said for Token2049’s fireside chat, it’s that the room could barely contain the heightened whiff of revolution (and, presumably, the aroma of artisanal coffee). Mr. Eric Trump, clad in his metaphorical suit of embattled nobility, was found in the company of World Liberty Financial’s Zach Witkoff and the ineffable Justin Sun of Tron fame, collectively plotting the demise of institutional banking with a brazenness usually reserved for second-rate Bond villains. 🦹‍♂️📉

On the first of May, while lesser mortals were celebrating spring or, at most, international labor, Eric unspooled the thrilling tale of being “canceled” by the allegedly modern financial system. “We became the most canceled people in the world,” he asserted, stirring the bonfire of self-pity with a poker forged from the finest American politics. It was, in short, a tragedy so deep not even the greatest family fortune could alleviate it—until cryptocurrency waltzed in, of course, wearing a top hat and a monocle.

Eric, waxing evangelical, declared, “Modern finance is absolutely broken.” Picture, if you will, a bank: mahogany panels, grim clerks, and paperwork requiring a carbon date for proper identification. Ninety days for a loan—a biblical time span, during which empires may rise and fall, while blockchain technology races gaily past, moving millions through public ledgers as unashamed as a debutante at her first society ball. ⏳💸

“Banks,” Eric lamented, “are still pushing paper forms in an age where you can immolate paperwork with blockchain and still have time to tweet about it.” A reader might almost weep, if not for the suspicion that Eric’s Sharpie ran dry signing bank documents somewhere in 2018.

Justin Sun, spreading bonhomie like marmalade, joined the chorus. “Nobody knows what’s going on in the bank! They just move $5 million around and the customer doesn’t know what happened.” True enough—certainly nobody ever suspects the bank, except everyone, always. But, says Sun, “on the blockchain, this kind of thing will never happen again.” Presumably, this is because everyone can stare at the numbers endlessly, like a Victorian staring at a train timetable, puzzled and vaguely afraid.

Zach Witkoff, whilst clutching the burning torch of “democratization,” explained that World Liberty Financial sprang into being to fill the gaping void left by traditional finance. The goal: to merrily wed DeFi to “tradfi” and create a hybrid financial creature so unwieldy that not even Mary Shelley would dare call it her own. “I think you’ll see DeFi and traditional finance merge in a way they can’t ever be untwined again.” Frankenstein, eat your heart out.

Modern finance risks getting left in the dust

The institutions of yore, Witkoff insisted, must surrender to this new dawn or be left behind, which—given the average speed of bank queues—should come as little surprise. “Time will tell… but hopefully they’re on the right side of history.” Hope springs eternal, particularly for those not yet holding depreciating conglomerate shares.

Mr. Trump’s view of banks switching gears is rather like asking a rhinoceros to put on ballet slippers: technically possible, but mostly a spectacle for bored onlookers. The banks, he claims, risk extinction—presumably after a drawn-out period of stamping and bellowing, as per all doomed beasts of burden. 🦏💃

Crypto, meanwhile, advances at a pace that leaves even timepieces gasping for breath, “100 times as fast as these big banks.” As a bonus, it brings banking to the unbanked, which sounds uplifting until you realize it mostly brings banking app ads to anyone holding a phone. “If you don’t have access to Jamie Dimon, congratulations—you have your phone.” If only Alexander Hamilton had thought of that.

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2025-05-01 15:51