Crypto, Taxes & Bureaucracy: The Hitchhiker’s Guide to Senator Lummis’ Wild Bill 🚀

Somewhere in the unfashionable legislative quadrant of Washington D.C., far removed from the glittering foot spas of known crabapple lobbies, U.S. Senator Cynthia Lummis (seen here , probably wishing she’d invested in Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters instead) has lobbed a new crypto tax bill into the galactic maw of America’s fiscal machinery.

Lummis, chairperson for digital assets and part-time wrangler of spreadsheets with existential dread, tossed her proposal onto the Senate floor on July 3, 2025 — precisely one day after it was removed from the
One Big Beautiful Bill Act. (OBBB for short; don’t worry, nobody else can remember that acronym, either.)

The Senate, in an act of courage only seen in bureaucrats and goldfish, has advanced OBBB, Donald Trump’s latest mega-tax-policy thingamajig, now limping its way toward House approval before being bedazzled, monogrammed, and dropped on the President’s desk for signing — where it may possibly be used as a coaster.

A Legislation That Doesn’t Require Binary to Decipher

Lummis’ stand-alone bill proposes amendments to the ancient and venerable Internal Revenue Code of 1986 (a document nearly as old as some senators and arguably less flexible). Her aim: to revolutionize how America taxes digital assets without accidentally taxing your neighbour’s NFT cat memes.

Key points everybody pretends to understand:

A $300 threshold for crypto transactions — below which, your purchase of a suspiciously expensive cup of coffee won’t trigger the IRS to materialise from your closet.
Crypto miners and stakers: no more double taxation! Finally, your digital pickaxes can relax.
Tax parity — because Bitcoin would like to finally sit at the Big Assets Table next to stocks and bonds, and stop pretending to enjoy the kids’ menu.
Securities lending expanded to include digital assets, which means lending your coins doesn’t mean you now owe taxes, just existential gratitude.

“To stay competitive, our tax code must embrace the digital economy, not bury it under forms larger than Paraguay,” declared Lummis, sipping tea from a mug labelled ‘No, really, it’s not taxable.’ “This legislation is paid-for, slices through bureaucracy like a laser pointer at a cat convention, and applies rules even Marvin the Paranoid Android could find reasonable.” 😐

Lummis is convinced that America’s “positively prehistoric tax policies” might soon be found fossilized next to the bones of crypto exchanges and innovation.

“My legislation ensures Americans can boldly transact in the digital wilderness without tripping legal infrared lasers,” she insisted, possibly while being chased by a stampede of lobbyists.

Lummis, displaying the boundless optimism of someone unaware of most Congressional processes, is actively inviting the public to critique her bill — but beware: lengthy rambling emails may be taxed by weight.

This crypto-tax adventure is jostling for attention with other bills like the CLARITY Act and the GENIUS Act, both currently somewhere between “scheduled” and “misplaced in the paperwork vortex.”

And, in a twist fit for late-stage Douglas Adams, following Trump’s election, Lummis introduced the Bitcoin Act, in which the U.S. considers proudly announcing a BTC strategic reserve, possibly for future barter with visiting extraterrestrials or interstellar pizza deliveries.

2025-07-03 21:45

A Legislation That Doesn’t Require Binary to Decipher

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