Crypto Stocks: Because Who Needs Actual Money?

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So, I woke up this morning, and the crypto market’s decided to go up 1%. Because, why not? 🤷‍♂️

Apparently, Bitcoin and Ethereum are just chillin’, and traders are all, “Hey, let’s go buy some US-listed crypto stocks!” And I’m over here thinking, “Good luck with that.” 🤦‍♂️

IREN Limited (IREN)

IREN Limited just spent $130 million on some fancy new NVIDIA GPUs. Because, you know, 2.4k just isn’t enough. They need 4.3k to really make their AI Cloud Services growth strategy pop. 💻

Their stock’s up 3% in pre-market trading, because who doesn’t love a good GPU? It’s at $17.33 now, but hey, it could go up to $18.54 if people keep buying. Or, you know, it could drop to $15.37 if they all suddenly remember they have better things to spend their money on. 🤑

But hey, that’s just the crypto market, right? 🤪

Bit Digital (BTBT)

Bit Digital’s stock went up 13% because some underwriters decided to buy more shares. And by “some underwriters,” I mean the ones who are probably going to make a bunch of money off this deal. 🤑

They got $21.4 million in additional net proceeds, which is just a fancy way of saying “more money.” And now their stock’s at $3.15 in pre-market trading. It could go up to $3.26 if people keep buying, or down to $3.07 if they all get bored. 🤔

But hey, at least they’re making money, right? 💸

Digi Power X (DGXX)

DGXX’s stock went up 14% because they settled some debt with NANO Nuclear Energy Inc. And by “settled some debt,” I mean they gave them some shares and said, “Hey, can we just forget about that $250,000 we owed you?” 🤑

Now their stock’s at $3.36 in pre-market trading, and it could go up to $3.76 if people keep buying. Or, you know, it could drop to $2.65 if they all realize they’ve been had. 😂

But hey, that’s just the crypto market, right? 🤪

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2025-07-07 16:51