Crypto Oracle Haseeb’s 2026 Prophecies: BTC > $150K? Please!

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So, Haseeb Qureshi, the guy who probably still uses a flip phone, thinks he can predict crypto in 2026? Let me read this… “BTC > $150K by year-end.” Oh, sure, if the Fed starts printing money with Bitcoin printers. But wait-he also says BTC dominance will drop. Because nothing says “bull market” like everyone forgetting Bitcoin exists. Classic.

And don’t even get him started on “fintech chains.” He calls them “underwhelming,” which is the nicest way to say they’re a dumpster fire. Tempo, Arc, Robinhood Chain? More like Temp-oh-no, Arc-what-now, and Robinhood’s Chain of Regret. Meanwhile, Ethereum and Solana “overdeliver.” Of course, because those chains are basically the only ones that haven’t tried to reinvent the wheel with a blockchain.

Enterprise blockchains? Fortune 100s launching their own? Oh, sure, because nothing screams “cutting-edge” like a bank adding “blockchain” to their annual report. “Avalanche will be a standout.” Maybe, if “standout” means “another chain no one cares about except Haseeb.”

And then there’s the “big tech company launches a crypto wallet” line. Google, Apple, Facebook? Please. They’ll probably just sue each other over it. And Monad? “Gets written off as dead by CT, but metrics take off later.” Because nothing says “trust” like analysts forgetting a project exists mid-year.

DoubleZero adoption? “At least 3 other chains connect.” Because nothing’s cooler than a latency fix that no one understands. 80% stake on Solana? Sounds like a cult.

DeFi And Stablecoins

Perp DEX consolidation? “40 / 30 / 20.” Oh, sure, because nothing’s more exciting than a three-horse race where the third horse is “everyone else fighting over scraps.” Equity perps taking off? Great, now we’re mixing Wall Street’s worst ideas with DeFi. And insider trading scandals? Of course. Nothing brings crypto to its knees faster than people who actually know how to game the system.

Stablecoins expanding 60%? Oh, sure, because nothing says “stability” like a 60% surge in IOUs. Tether ceding share to 55%? Because why let one corporation control everything? Let’s give it to another!

Stablecoin-backed cards growing 1,000%? In emerging markets? Because nothing solves financial inclusion faster than a card that costs $10/month in fees. “Rain is the biggest winner here.” Rain? Like the weather? Or the company that’s basically a stablecoin version of Venmo for people who can’t spell?

Regulation And Prediction Markets

Clarity Act signed in 2026? With “significant markups and horse trading.” Because nothing gives the industry clarity like a law written by politicians who’ve never touched a blockchain. Dems win the House? Suddenly, everyone’s a crypto expert with a subpoena in hand. Classic.

Trump denying involvement? Of course. Because nothing’s worse than admitting you’re a fraud. Prediction markets growing “like crazy”? Sure, as long as we ignore the fact that they’re still mostly run by people who bet on who’ll win the presidency in a chatroom.

Polymarket “steamingroll[ing] the culture”? Because nothing’s cooler than a platform where you bet on whether Elon will get divorced again. Meanwhile, 90% of other prediction platforms “wind down by EOY.” Because nothing’s more exciting than a crowded market where everyone’s ignored.

AI And Privacy

AI in crypto? Still just prototypes. Wallet automation? Minimal. Of course. Because nothing’s more practical than an AI that can’t even buy you a cup of coffee. Worldcoin verifying 17 million identities? 1 in 500 people? That’s barely enough to fill a stadium. ZK Passports? Because nothing’s more private than scanning your passport with a phone. Privacy as a laggard? Oh, sure, because nothing’s more thrilling than a sector where people just keep doing the same old boring things.

And finally, the total crypto market cap at $2.93 trillion. Because nothing says “confidence” like a $3 trillion market that’s still down 80% from its peak. 😂

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2025-12-30 13:35