Crypto Market Meltdown? Wait Till You See What Altcoins Did Next! đŸ˜±

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On a melancholy Tuesday, as grey as a Muscovite morning after a vodka-less night, the crypto market languishes in a state similar to Professor Preobrazhensky’s mood upon discovering the latest exchange rates. All eyes, bloodshot and weary, are fixed upon that enigmatic council of wizards—the Federal Reserve FOMC—whose spells and incantations (the hawkish sort, naturally) could yet send all risk assets tumbling into the icy depths of despair. 🩉 Altcoins? They stand upon the very precipice, trembling like a poet before state censors.

M pattern forms above major support on Total2

Once, not so long ago—mid-April to be precise—the altcoin market cap, like a plucky little dachshund slipping its collar, wriggled free of a wretched descending trendline. For months that line threatened ruin upon all who dared hold anything non-Bitcoin. Yet now, behold, the combined forces of every cryptocurrency (excluding the anointed $BTC, of course), gather nervously atop a shaky $1.01 trillion support. Above, a sinister M pattern looms on the chart, like Woland’s cat perched above a samovar, pondering chaos. Should the line break, prepare your handkerchiefs
 and perhaps your last rubles!

Altcoins have corrected 50% – trend is still up

Consult the weekly chart (ideally after a stiff drink): here you’ll see altcoins have plummeted nearly 50% from peak to nadir. Roubles lost, hopes shattered! Yet in the topsy-turvy world of crypto, this is but an ordinary Tuesday in a bull market. The sacred trend line perseveres, a higher low is miraculously inscribed. What complaints could one possibly muster? đŸ€” Should horizontal support falter, even if the price stumbles toward the trend line with all the grace of a tipsy magician, the faith remains: bulls have not been exiled. Watch as the Stochastic RSI, ever the optimist, points upwards like Margarita after receiving her enchanted cream. $1.22 trillion beckons as a likely destination—pack your galoshes.

Investors flee to gold again, for now at least

Meanwhile, in an act fit for a stage farce, investors scurry toward gold, clutching it as if it were the last loaf of bread in a Moscow bakery. With the dread FOMC looming overhead, they elevate gold once more to its shimmering $3,500 pedestal, perhaps hoping it will deliver them from monetary limbo. But alas! The mighty gold buyers now pant and wheeze at such heights, and the weight of their enthusiasm pulls the price downward—soon, very soon, we may witness gold returning to earth, sobered and subdued.

And in that curious interval? Risk assets—those flighty birds—might yet attempt another rally. How soon? That depends entirely on the subtle winks, cryptic coughs, and learned sighs of one Jerome Powell at the upcoming FOMC. The market, ever the faithful hound, will strain to decipher every utterance. Good luck, comrades. 🧐

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2025-05-06 14:24