Crypto Giant Plants Flag in D.C. — What They Don’t Want You to Know About Trump’s Wild New Rules 🤯

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The people at Crypto.com, who, if you blinked twice, you’d miss on a street full of lobbyists and lost tourists, have declared—on what I can only imagine to be a hot and smoky Wednesday—their intention to plop down a new North America office right in the heart of Washington, D.C. Why? So they can whisper sweet nothings to lawmakers, of course.

Crypto.com Sets Up Camp by the White House: Political Intrigue! (And Coffee. Always Coffee.)

The new office—plunked down close enough to the White House to smell the interns’ panic—won’t be hosting coin-mining shindigs just yet. Rather, it’ll serve as Crypto.com’s bridge to whatever passes for ‘public and government affairs’ in these parts. Matt David, who draws the short straw as President of North America, told the world about a ‘maturing regulatory environment.’ Which is what they call it when no one knows what’s going on, but everyone has a very strong opinion. Texas may have the barbecue, but D.C. has the rules—so staff get to play musical chairs until Crypto.com hires more folks to argue with senators about Dogecoin.

This all happens while President Trump (yes, we’re still surprised too) is shuffling the regulatory deck, launching a Strategic Bitcoin Reserve—because what’s the federal government without a crypto stash?—and asking regulators to slow down before chasing people through the streets for unauthorized NFTs (see here). This is supposedly all to “balance innovation and stability,” which mostly means everyone is a little lost but pretending not to be.

Crypto.com says this move builds on the opening of their 2024 North American HQ in Tyler, Texas. Because if you’re not opening offices in both cowboy country and policy nerd town, are you really even innovating? They hope their D.C. crowd can schmooze with government types and figure out who’s actually writing the new crypto laws while everyone else is arguing on X.

As the fog of ‘regulatory clarity’ rolls across the land, Crypto.com and their friends are elbowing to the front of the line, trying to make sure their voices are the loudest—or, at least, the most confusing. When will this shiny new office open its doors to suspiciously well-dressed blockchain evangelists and ex-lawmakers chasing consulting contracts? No one knows. Probably not even the guy holding the keys. 🤷‍♂️

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2025-05-07 17:25