If you ever wanted a front-row seat to the crumbling of international financial schemes while sitting on your sofa in pajamas, look no further than the Huione GroupâCambodiaâs answer to the question, âHow many ways can you stay out of jail while still moving a Titanic-sized pile of dirty cryptocurrency?â
On May 1stâa day otherwise known as âI forgot to pay my rent againââthe U.S. Treasuryâs Financial Crimes Enforcement Network (FinCEN) flexed what I assume is a very wrinkly muscle and announced that Huione Group could soon be stranded from the U.S. financial system. And by âstranded,â I mean they wonât even get so much as a Chase debit card, let alone a novelty checkbook.
The proposal? Label Huione a âprimary money laundering concern,â which, in the world of financial nicknames, is a bit like being voted âMost Likely to Have Your Assets Frozen and Your Passport Revokedâ in your criminal fraternityâs yearbook.
The big move would mean U.S. banks canât open new doors, new windows, or even a cat flap for Huione. If you were hoping to send them a balloon-o-gram via a Wells Fargo account, sorry. Youâll have to use smoke signals.
Scott Bessent, Treasury Secretary and the man most likely to be described as âhaving had enough of your nonsense,â announced: âTodayâs proposed action will sever Huione Groupâs access to correspondent banking, degrading these groupsâ ability to launder their ill-gotten gains.â Which, on the scale of official shade, is somewhere between âI unfollowed you on Instagramâ and âYour coffee order is now always late.â
Huione hasnât been banking in the States directly. No, that would be too obviousâthink of them as someone who wants into the fancy club, so they sneak a friend through the restroom window. According to FinCEN, Huione wriggles in indirectly via overseas âfriends,â throws on a disguise, and then orders bottle service with the money it allegedly washed for some light North Korean hacking syndicates. (Because why launder $10 when you can launder for actual international villains?)
Allegedlyâletâs not get suedâthey helped move at least $4 billion in funny money and other forms of digital regret from August 2021 to January 2025. A notable portion came from âpig butcheringâ scams, which, for those not fluent in cybercrime, is not a barbecue but rather a devastating online con where peopleâs wallets are slow-roasted to perfection.
Huione, never content with just one sketchy operation, created its own Marvel Universe of digital companies: Huione Pay (for when you want to pay, but not have receipts); Huione Crypto (for when your money wants to wear a fake mustache); and the Telegram bazaar, which recently swapped names from the snappy âCriminal Flea Marketâ to âHaowang Guarantee,â because nothing says âtrust usâ like lots of vowels.
And whatâs a criminal empire without its own coin? Enter âUSDH,â pegged to the U.S. dollar but constructed with all the transparency of a magicianâs top hat. âCanât freeze it!â claims Huioneâbecause freezing funds is sooo last season. FinCEN, meanwhile, is doing its best impersonation of someone trying to stop a river with a garden sieve, noting this invites criminals to handle funds ârisk-free.â Which, as metaphors go, is up there with labeling the Titanic âunsinkable.â
Just to keep things spicy, Tether once froze $30 million in USDT linked to Huione. In classic whack-a-mole style, Huione immediately launched their very own stablecoin. Because, really, if your old Monopoly money gets confiscated, just print a new edition.
For now, FinCEN has opened a public comment period, so if you have strong feelings about shell companies or just really love filling out government forms, nowâs your moment to shine.
Back in July (when the world was slightly less on fire), blockchain forensics nerds at Elliptic fingered Huione as the main hub for Southeast Asian cybercrooks; a regular Craigslist for folks shopping for money mules, scam kits, andâoh yesâhuman trafficking services, because nothing says âside hustleâ like international crime.
The cherry on top? When their app was booted from Google Play for, *checks notes*, being a little too mafia-adjacent, it somehow survived on the Apple App Store. So, if you ever needed one more reason for your iPhone to judge you, there you go. đ
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2025-05-02 10:24