Crypto Denial Goes Spectacularly Awry 🚀

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In the grand and baffling opera of the crypto universe, eXch, a non-KYC centralized exchange, has solemnly declared, “We are absolutely not laundering North Korean millions—because, honestly, we already have enough trouble remembering our passwords.”

This passionate proclamation emerged as a rebuttal to the festering social media outrage accusing eXch of moving over $30 million from the Bybit hack. A hack that turned out to be less of a security breach and more of a bat signal for blockchain sleuths everywhere. 🕵️‍♂️

eXch, FUD, and Fun

Responding via the Bitcointalk forum—a platform approximately as reassuring as a bridge assembled by someone reading IKEA instructions in Ancient Greek—the eXch team firmly stated, “Not laundering money for Lazarus/DPRK.” Succinct, questionable, and just begging for a GIF of a cartoon dog saying, “This is fine.”

But not everyone was buying it. Enter blockchain investigator ZachXBT, with allegations in a Telegram post (because nothing says thorough investigation quite like encrypted group chats) claiming that eXch had gleefully processed $35 million of the stolen funds, while somehow farting $96,000 worth of ETH into someone else’s hot wallet. 💸🔥

Not to be left out, blockchain security firm SlowMist joined in, pointing its metaphorical monocle at eXch, reporting that ETH from Bybit’s post-heist trail somehow ended up in their laps. But you know, it was probably just a clerical error involving billions of dollars. Happens all the time, right? 😏

Nick Bax, of the Security Alliance white-hat league (basically the Justice League but with more caffeine), estimated eXch’s babysitting services for stolen funds at roughly $30 million. SlowMist even claimed ETH had been merrily swapped for other cryptocurrencies, proving that crypto criminals do love a good diversification strategy.

eXch, however, dismissed all claims as “targeted FUD” (Fear, Uncertainty, Doubt—crypto’s version of “the dog ate my homework”) and clarified in corporate speak that boiled down to: “Someone accidentally spilled some hack money on our platform. We cleaned it up. End of story.”

The team also roasted ZachXBT, suggesting the community verify information from “credible sources.” Because, as we all know, the surest way to bolster your credibility is by lecturing your accuser while simultaneously denying everything. Classic. 👏

Zhao’s Galactic Wisdom ✨

As if this theatrical circus wasn’t enough, enter Binance founder Changpeng Zhao (CZ), crypto’s answer to the Jedi Council, who proposed a “safe” solution: halt withdrawals everywhere. Yes, because nothing inspires consumer confidence like a good, old-fashioned lockdown.

In a February 21 post on X (formerly Twitter, but who’s keeping track?), CZ said:

“Not an easy situation to deal with. Might suggest to halt all withdrawals for a bit as a standard security precaution. Will provide any assistance if needed. Good luck!”

This groundbreaking idea—essentially crypto’s equivalent of turning it off and on again—garnered widespread critique. Pause withdrawals? Why not just tattoo “Panic” on everyone’s forehead while you’re at it? 😱

Zhao calmly explained he’d done this in 2019 after losing $40 million in a hack, which strangely led to more deposits than withdrawals. Wait, does this mean people are so trusting they’ll stick their money back into a breached exchange? This might explain how NFTs became a thing. 🤷‍♂️

But CZ, ever the wise one, reassured everyone that this needed a judgment call. He also complimented Bybit CEO Ben Zhou for his transparency, calling it a nice change from CEOs like those at WazirX and FTX, who likely manage crises using a blindfold and darts.

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2025-02-24 15:08