Crypto Bill Chaos: Workers, Pensions & Banks Brace for Impact 🚀💥

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In a universe where financial regulations are often as coherent as a Vogon poetry recital, the largest federation of trade unions in the US has declared the Senate’s crypto bill to be roughly as protective as a chocolate teapot. 🍫☕

The American Federation of Labor and Congress of Industrial Organizations (AFL-CIO)-a name so long it probably has its own gravitational pull-opposed the Responsible Financial Innovation Act (RFIA) in a letter that was less “Dear Senators” and more “ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING?”

According to AFL-CIO director Jody Calemine, the bill treats crypto assets like a toddler treats a box of crayons: with reckless abandon and a high chance of ending in tears. He warned that it could jeopardize retirement funds and the financial stability of the US economy, which, let’s face it, is already held together by duct tape and optimism.

Calemine added that the bill would allow the crypto industry to “operate in wider and deeper ways in our financial system without sufficient oversight,” much like how a cat operates a Roomba-chaotically and with no regard for human suffering.

Protecting Workers? More Like Exposing Them to Financial Tornadoes 🌪️

Calemine noted that while the AFL-CIO supports updating regulations to shield workers from crypto’s wild mood swings, this bill offers all the protection of a tissue-paper umbrella in a hurricane. Instead of insulating workers, it “greenlights” retirement plans to hold crypto, because nothing says “secure future” like betting your pension on digital magic beans.

Systemic Risks: Because 2008 Was Just Too Much Fun 🔥

The Deposit Insurance Fund, which protects bank deposits (and taxpayers’ sanity), would be at greater risk if banks could custody crypto. Calemine also pointed out that the bill “codifies the tokenization of securities,” which is a fancy way of saying private companies could create “shadow stocks” outside SEC oversight-because who needs transparency when you can have mystery?

2008 Financial Crisis: The Sequel Nobody Asked For 🎬

The AFL-CIO compared the bill’s risks to the 2008 financial crisis, which, as we all remember, was a delightful time when banks treated risk like a competitive sport. Calemine warned that banks engaging in crypto trading under this bill could be even riskier than pre-2008 shenanigans-because apparently, we didn’t learn our lesson the first time.

“Banks engaging in crypto-based hedge fund trading activity, which would be allowed under this regime, could be even riskier than some of the dangerous financial activities conducted before the 2008 financial crisis.”

In conclusion, Calemine urged opposition to the bill, which remains a “discussion draft”-a term that roughly translates to “we’re still figuring out how to make this worse.”

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2025-10-08 07:51