Coinbase’s Dazzling S&P 500 Debut Leaves Wall Street Gobsmacked! 🚀

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My dear, fetch the smelling salts and pour yourself a martini—Coinbase has swanned onto the S&P 500 stage, making them the absolute belle of the crypto ball (take that, stodgy old finance).

On the 12th of May, that illustrious oracle S&P Global announced that Coinbase would graciously replace Discover Financial Services in the index. Apparently, Discover just discovered they’d been devoured by Capital One. One does so hate a dull ending. Upon hearing the joyous news, Coinbase (COIN) shares leapt 8.8% in after-hours trading—one imagines confetti and very expensive champagne at headquarters. Cheers, darlings!

Founded in the rollicking days of 2012, Coinbase, America’s grandest crypto bourse, has been holding court on Nasdaq since 2021, despite a year that for crypto stocks was, frankly, as stormy as the English Channel. Yet, unlike certain would-be rivals, they managed a tidy net income of $65.6 million in Q1—clearly, somebody remembered to collect the cover charge.

That sort of fiscal elegance is precisely what the S&P 500 demands. Revenue waltzed up 24% year-over-year, landing at $2.03 billion. That’s the kind of performance at which even the most stone-faced banker must crack a smile—reluctantly, of course.

Over on X, the ever-composed CEO Brian Armstrong toasted the landmark moment with, “Crypto is here to stay.” (Original? Not really. Satisfying? Decidedly.) The company itself quipped, “First they ignore you. Then they laugh at you. Then they fight you. Then they add you to the S&P 500…”—the kind of reversal Oscar Wilde would envy. Or perhaps he’d simply tweet a poison-pen reply. 🍸😏

As the saying goes…

“First they ignore you.
Then they laugh at you.
Then they fight you.
Then they add you to the S&P 500.”

…or something like that.

— Coinbase 🛡️ (@coinbase) May 12, 2025

Being swept into the S&P 500 is hardly a quiet affair—it means index-hugging funds simply must buy your shares. Imagine Coinbase’s delight joining luminaries like Apple and Nvidia in a club that currently herds $49.8 trillion in market cap. One hopes they’ll mind the dress code.

While Coinbase will be mingling in the lower tiers, between 0.01% and 0.2% weighting (we all start somewhere, darling), it’s nonetheless a smashing win for digital assets. Tesla and Block are already members of this exclusive party—Strategy, alas, flunked with a $4.2 billion net loss and won’t be on the guest list this year. There’s always next season—unless, of course, someone else eats them for lunch.

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2025-05-13 08:31