Alexander Mashinsky, former boss of crypto lending circus Celsius, will now serve 12 years at the “Iron Bar Hilton.” Why? Turns out, his numbers were as funny as a rubber chicken—without the laughs.
Celsius Mashinsky Gets the Hot Seat
In the grand theater of Manhattan’s Southern District Court, Judge John G. Koeltl presided as Mashinsky’s legal tightrope act finally gave out. Prosecutors called it “sweeping fraud” — which sounds impressive, but he really just swept a lot of cash under a lot of rugs. Spoiler: the carpets didn’t cover it.
Back in December, Mashinsky traded his magic beans for handcuffs, pleading guilty to commodities fraud and CEL token trickery. One-way ticket to the clinker, please!
2023 was not his year: multiple criminal charges, an arrest, and enough wire fraud allegations to knit a sweater. Oh, and Celsius had to hash out a $4.7 billion FTC settlement (which is, by the way, more zeroes than most of us see outside a math textbook). Whether they give any money back is a cliffhanger worthy of next season.
Meanwhile, angry customers are still waiting for their crypto like Brooklyn Jews waiting for rain on Passover. “Soon, we’ll get it back!” they say. Hah!
SEC, CFTC, and a Parade of Lawsuits—Oy Vey!
Allegedly, Mashinsky told investors Celsius was safer than a Swiss vault—while he was cashing out behind the curtain faster than Mel Brooks at a bad matinee. At first he said, “Who, me?” But once the evidence piled higher than bagels at brunch, he folded and pleaded guilty.
This courtroom comedy doesn’t stop with Mashinsky. SEC and CFTC jumped in, waving fistfuls of papers, shouting “multi-billion-dollar fraud!” Everyone wants their closeup in this crypto flop.
Honestly, the whole industry’s starting to look like a Mel Brooks ensemble: Sam Bankman-Fried, CZ, Do Kwon—all getting their mugshots in the legal playbill. When do the musical numbers start?
Subscribe for the next episode, where depositors finally learn if their missing crypto is in a suitcase, under a mattress, or just swirling down the drain!
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2025-05-09 02:50