Crypto News

If you plan to sell, your face and paperwork will be required — KYC on CEXs and P2P alike. Smile for the crypto bureaucracy!

Speaking at the TOKEN2049 event in Dubai (because where else do you make *game-changing* predictions?), Hayes confidently laid out the scenario that would see Bitcoin hitting that glorious million-dollar mark. As if that wasn’t enough to send crypto fanatics into a frenzy, BTC is currently trading around $95K, proving it’s still got some serious bullish muscle after a rocky start to the year. But wait, there’s more… 😱

Now, let’s try to wrap our minds around this masterpiece of modern finance, shall we? Telegram’s $2.4 billion worth of bonds—oh, what a weighty sum—will serve as the glorious backbone of this venture. And, of course, the beauty of tokenization, that magical process that makes everything sound so much cooler, will let these debts double as the latest crypto collateral. No more boring old bank loans when you can now borrow against on-chain assets, and maybe, just maybe, make a quick buck while doing it.

Inflation, that persistent spectre haunting the dreams of every middle-aged banker, is the gentle but inexorable rise of prices. It sighs through the drawing rooms of the economy, robbing your notes of their dignity with each passing season. As the price of luncheon soars and the Sunday roast becomes an extravagance, what once bought a round or two now purchases hardly half a cucumber sandwich. Statisticians, seeking meaning in misery, boast about indexes such as the CPI—presumably short for “Continually Pinched Income.”

Inflation, that persistent spectre haunting the dreams of every middle-aged banker, is the gentle but inexorable rise of prices. It sighs through the drawing rooms of the economy, robbing your notes of their dignity with each passing season. As the price of luncheon soars and the Sunday roast becomes an extravagance, what once bought a round or two now purchases hardly half a cucumber sandwich. Statisticians, seeking meaning in misery, boast about indexes such as the CPI—presumably short for “Continually Pinched Income.”

This time, it is Eric Trump, whose face bears that wistful ennui of someone never quite sure whether the soup is for eating or for staring into, who has taken to the grand stage (Dubai, naturally, where everyone goes when Manhattan isn’t enough) to declare that global banks must embrace crypto, lest they shuffle off this mortal coil in ten years’ time. According to Eric, the current system is “broken,” “slow,” and apparently designed for the ultra-wealthy. (Chekhov sighs somewhere in literary heaven: what else is new?)

Where other blockchains huddle their computations on servers, as if warmth could only be found around a single stove, Miden has decided users should stoke their own fires. This “edge execution,” as the philosophers call it, does away with centralized validators—finally, a network where you can’t be scolded for forgetting your paperwork or asked for your mother’s maiden name. Privacy is preserved, or at least it’s promised, like spring upon a Petersburg winter.

Why this sudden pessimism, you ask? Oh, the usual. Profit-taking and the ever-so-delectable “overbought zone” have probably come knocking on DEEP’s door with a bill to pay.

According to this invisible prophet, Bitcoin is wrestling above $90,000. Its CVD—the new oracle for gamblers and dreamers—eases. Demands growl, sellers clutch their wallets, but BTC—like a stubborn mule or a fool with a dream—climbs upward.

But let’s be honest: what happens when that magical draw never comes? What if it’s you again who doesn’t win the box of Surströmming bath bombs? What if your prize is just… silence—and that special, empty “maybe I’m a winner in spirit” feeling in your soul? (Nothing says “reward” like existential ennui.)