This all went down within shouting distance of Coinbase showing MOVE token the door—like an uptight bartender tired of gossipy regulars. If tokens had feelings, someone would be fetching the smelling salts. 🪑
The Glassnode folks—number crunchers so dedicated you can practically see the coffee stains on their keyboards—recently spilled some truth in a report. It seems these Bitcoin lifers, the ones who haven’t touched their coins in over 155 days (“just getting started” in crypto years), are close to the edge of something tremendous: a profit of 350%. Some folks would retire to a small island for less, but these HODLers? They’re just starting to yawn.
Apparently, X (formerly Twitter) user “Crypto Barbie” has thrown her hat into the ring, claiming that Ripple’s CEO, Brad Garlinghouse, has upped the ante from a mere $5 billion to $20 billion. And hold onto your seats, folks—she’s convinced that this deal is *moving forward*. Let’s all pause for dramatic effect. 🎬
On May 1st—a day otherwise known as “I forgot to pay my rent again”—the U.S. Treasury’s Financial Crimes Enforcement Network (FinCEN) flexed what I assume is a very wrinkly muscle and announced that Huione Group could soon be stranded from the U.S. financial system. And by “stranded,” I mean they won’t even get so much as a Chase debit card, let alone a novelty checkbook.
Kraken, big as an unruly mule and just as stubborn, slammed into 2025 with $471 million jingling in its pockets—a sum that told you two things: the house ain’t falling down yet, and someone, somewhere, is making a killing even when your neighbor’s coins are turning into dust. (And don’t mention Q4, where they pulled in $506 million—small mercies, friends, but it’s not dust.)
Apparently, the SEC filed in Texas (where else?) saying, “Yeah, we’re done here.” No money traded hands, not even for a coffee. Classic government efficiency! I mean, it wasn’t enough drama already, so now they want to wrap it with a group hug and say “We’re not mad, we just… don’t feel like dealing with this anymore.”
To the attentive observer, there comes the familiar twist of fate: while revenue soared like a lark, profit remained a flightless bird. The costs of coaxing Bitcoin from that great digital abyss nearly doubled, now numbering $43,808 per treasure—where last year, mere $23,034 did the trick. Progress, it seems, prefers to arrive on horseback—and trample the grass beneath. Riot explains, peering soulfully into the middle distance, that this misfortune is thanks to a “halving event.” A poetic occasion when the universe—or the programmers who think themselves the universe—decide miners must henceforth do twice the work for half the prize. (A bit like the Russian serf after the czar’s reforms, only with electricity instead of rye.)
Javier Selgas, CEO, stands upon this stage as the unlikely poet of optimization, declaring that Fr8Tech seeks to enliven U.S.–Mexico trade with technological sorcery. He asserts, with the straight face of a bureaucrat, that TRUMP tokens are the new mules of “free and fair trade,” solemn ideals upon which the company’s machinery—namely, Fr8App and Fr8Now—already lurches, guided by artificial intelligence far more patient than any human dispatcher.
Thanks to the all-seeing (digital) eye of IntoTheBlock, we’ve discovered SHIB’s large transactions have taken a nosedive to their lowest spot all week—a record only slightly less exciting than the annual Galactic Bureaucratic Bake-Off. The Large Transactions Volume metric, for anyone desperately searching for meaning in an endless universe, watches massive SHIB transfers as if they were rare comet sightings.
What’s the tally for the past 24 hours? A galactic 1.79 trillion SHIB tokens in just 34 transactions—a whopping $23.66 million. Not entirely pocket change, but considering SHIB’s penchant for numbers with more zeros than sense, it registers as a polite cough in the background of the crypto market’s never-ending disco.
Permit me to observe, with what gravity the present action bestows – Dogecoin, after much tumult and correction, seems finally to have endured its trying phase. Mr. Trader Tardigrade, a gentleman of considerable speculative prowess, asserts that a most resplendent chapter of renewed bullishness may now commence, neatly coinciding with the broader market’s agreeable disposition.