Crypto News

The FCA’s proposed regulation—delivered with all the subtlety of a disgruntled butler slamming down the silver tray—is eyeing a ban on borrowing funds for crypto purchases. No more buying Bitcoin with the Bank of Auntie Visa’s finest credit line, dear reader. Evidently, they’ve noticed a rising number of upstanding citizens using Someone Else’s Money to take a punt on digital currencies wobblier than Bertie’s attempts at the Charleston. 💳🚫

The U.S. Labor Department, ever generous with its breadcrumbs, divulged that nonfarm payrolls bulged by 177,000 in April. Ah, but not quite as plump as March’s 228,000; a modest feast, more amuse-bouche than banquette. Still, the soothsayers expected a mere 133,000 — a level of pessimism only rivaled by Monday morning baristas. The unemployment rate remained unmoved at 4.2%, stubbornly on-script like an off-Broadway understudy.

This Dave regards the world with the weary amusement of a Russian noble: “So many of you, just weeks ago, cowered under quilts, fearing the BTC market would dissolve into the puddle of standard panic, rubles flowing toward the dollar’s cold embrace. Yet, witness! Even the dollar flees, as if scandalized by its own lack of character, and the starry-eyed Bitcoin floats ever upward, as imperturbable as Natasha at her first ball.” 💃

Imagine a great gathering of ruble-hoarding babushkas, and you will understand the tone pervading Cryptoquant’s latest dispatch: they have declared that stablecoin market capitalization—now swollen to a record peak not seen since czarist times—is historically a harbinger of bullishness for bitcoin (BTC). The principal actors in this operetta? None other than Tether (USDT) and USDC, those bland but well-funded gentlemen.

So, the venerable Peter Brandt, a trading analyst with the wisdom of a thousand market cycles, has looked into his crystal ball (or possibly just a really fancy chart) and decided that Bitcoin could soar to $125,000 to $150,000 by late summer or early autumn 2025. Yes, that’s right—$150,000. He posted this delightful forecast just hours ago, and frankly, we’re all just waiting for the magic to happen. 🎩✨

Which brings us to XRP, the coin that can’t stop, won’t stop—unless of course you expect it to, in which case it’ll do exactly the opposite. The gossipy excitement swirling around Ripple ETFs in the US has reached fever-pitch, with traders breathlessly whispering that “all-time highs” might be just around the corner. Of course, if crypto markets were capable of listening, they’d probably nod, say “sure, mate,” and promptly nosedive for dramatic effect. 😏

Down peculiar and foggy avenues, our protagonist, Sui—the eternally aspiring understudy to Solana (SOL)—performed a suspiciously dramatic leap in price on a Thursday, like a ballet dancer who’d just spotted a stray ruble on the stage. The news? 21Shares, a shadowy cabal claiming to manage ETFs (exchange-traded funds, for those who skipped class), filed for a spot SUI ETF on American soil. Cue the invisible orchestra!

Per a new dispatch from Reuters (who, rather heroically, manage to sound both urgent and weary), the intrepid crew at the Financial Conduct Authority (let’s call them the FCA—makes them sound more like a band, doesn’t it?) aim to keep “bad actors” at bay. Of course, if you happen to be a good actor, or simply mediocre, fret not: your cryptocurrency dreams may yet survive! 🎭

The U.S. Department of Labor, obviously feeling mischievous, unveiled its jobs report on Friday. Not only did they foxtrot past the glum prediction of 135,000 new jobs, they landed at a joyous 177,000, sparking euphoria in every trading pit from New York to the wild crypto hinterlands. Unemployment, steadfast as a butler at a garden party, remained at 4.2%. Meanwhile, bitcoin (BTC), never one to be left out of the excitement, sidled up to $98K. Exhilarating stuff—if you like your markets shaken, not stirred.

And just as the Russian spring cannot help but bring out the peasants into the fields (boots caked in hope and mud), so too do positive funding rates call forth the crypto speculators, those tireless pilgrims, to throw their rubles upon the altar of perpetual futures. The result? An inflating sense of euphoria—or perhaps just hot air, destined to be pricked by the sharp quill of market reality.