Crypto News

The projected neckline target is near $0.34, representing a 141% move from the pattern. The breakout is valid, but two charts now hint that the path might not be a straight line. 🤯💸

January 1st, 2026, dawned not with a whimper but a roar 🐅-El Salvador’s National Bitcoin Office declared their “all-in” gambit, a phrase that makes financiers clutch their pearls and roll dice simultaneously.

Imagine a decentralized exchange (which is fancy talk for “money being moved around without a middleman, like magic but messier”) specially designed for perpetual futures trading – because why not have your cake, eat it, and then trade the cake forever? Unlike earlier DEXs that relied on bots, algorithms, or witchcraft, Hyperliquid boasts a fully onchain central limit order book. Yes, every trade, liquidation, and funding payment is proudly etched onto the blockchain. Record-keeping on a blockchain: because someday, someone might want to sue it for being too clever.

On Dec. 31, the internet’s most mysterious cat-adjacent analyst claimed Dogecoin’s price slump is “textbook” if you’re a fan of declining volume, apathetic influencers, and risk/reward ratios that only a therapist could love. “Lower prices, weaker volume, influencers sweating bullets just saying ‘bullish’-it’s chef’s kiss,” they wrote. 🍳

Once again, we find Bitcoin looking attractive, as if it were on a boldly bold budget sale when Metaplanet decided to seize the moment. Completing another extravagant round of BTC burble-buying on a market that had a slight case of the sniffles and prices resting below a cool $100k, they beefed up their already fattening holdings. Heck, it’s like they’ve taken their crypto-cooking lesson so seriously.

Ooh la la! Representative Warren Davidson, in his dashing ensemble of hipster glasses, has ventured to expound on today’s state of cryptocurrency regulation and its splendid prospects in the States. His message, delivered with a twinkle in his eye, remarks that the current ebb and flow in the cryptocurrency milieu traces back to actions concocted to disavow the kind of disintermediation digital assets bring, much to the chagrin of those clinging to traditional methods. 🎩📉

Apparently, some enterprising individual decided that manipulating the price of a token with, shall we say, limited demand was a sound financial strategy. $BROCCOLI, a token you likely haven’t heard of (and frankly, probably shouldn’t have), was the target. It turns out, security on these exchanges isn’t quite as ironclad as they’d like you to believe. 🤔

As the year waned, the air grew thick with caution, and the bears emerged from their caves, sharpening their claws. Hedging, that cowardly refuge, surged, with Bitcoin’s downside protection casting its gaze upon the $75K-$80K range in January. But lo! Bo Hines, Tether’s sage and once a whisperer in the halls of the White House, hath spoken:

“Anyone bearish on Bitcoin heading into 2026 is foolish.”

A declaration as bold as a knight’s challenge, yet tinged with the irony of one who knows the whims of the market. 🛡️

In the fleeting frame of the short term, there is scarcely a ripple to report-$BTC pirouettes sideways, a prima donna ignoring the downtrend line as if it were a plebeian’s scribble. Yes, a fleeting spurt, but as ephemeral as a firefly’s glow, snuffed out by the $90,000 resistance, that implacable gatekeeper. The major ascending trendline? Violated so often it now resembles a well-trodden garden path, its dignity long since trampled. 🌾🚶♂️

Aster DEX emerged as a major on-chain trading venue during 2025, drawing global market attention. Throughout the year, traders were able to observe real volume growth and stronger privacy features. As a result, Aster was able to transcend the niche into wider decentralized finance relevance. This shift reflected a changing trader expectations and on-chain sophistication. 🐘✨