Crypto News

In a world where trust is but a fleeting mirage, Byrrgis proclaims itself a bastion of virtue, draped in the garb of EU compliance. “Behold!” it cries, “We are licensed! We are CASP-certified! We shall automate thy rebalancing, thou poor soul of the crypto wilderness!” Yet one cannot help but chuckle at the absurdity-a DEX and CEX hybrid, a Frankenstein’s monster of finance, promising to automate thy portfolio while the market dances to the tune of madness. 🤡

Kula, a “decentralized investment firm” (read: crypto buzzword soup), just fully onchained $50 million in impact investing. Their genius move? Letting communities in places like Zambia and Nepal run the show on natural resources and energy projects. Because who better to decide how to drill for limestone than the people who live near the limestone. Obvious, really.

Enter Mr. Wall Street, the oracle of doom, who kindly informed us that BTC is gearing up for a deathspiral after one last gasp at $100,000. According to him, a sinister cocktail of macroeconomic malaise, Federal Reserve’s… leisurely pace, and technical signals has set the stage for an impending crypto catastrophe. Who knew charts could be so melodramatic? 📉

BitMine’s latest splurge isn’t stopping-no, they’re out there buying ether like it’s the last slice of pie at a family gathering, scooping up 102,259 ETH last week, worth around $320 million. Ain’t that something? They’re now sitting pretty with nearly 4 million tokens, aiming to corner about 5% of ethereum’s entire supply-because why not horde the digital gold?

The CoinDesk 20 is currently trading at 2833.07, down 0.3% (-7.57) since 4 p.m. ET on Friday. Because nothing says “excitement” like a 0.3% drop. 🧠

And it’s not just the charts going bananas-Tron’s daily trading volume surged by 45%. CoinMarketCap data, folks. That’s like everyone suddenly remembered they need to buy TRON before it’s too late. Or before Elon tweets again. Who knows?

Progressive Autonomy debuts at a time when the limitations of both L2 rollups and traditional L1 development increasingly constrain teams. Rollups have made deployment simple, but at the cost of centralized sequencers, governance-only tokens, fragmentation, and ecosystems that struggle to retain value. 🤷‍♂️

These unlocks could increase short-term volatility and influence price movements across the market-though, let’s be honest, the market’s been more predictable than a squirrel in a nut factory. So, here’s a breakdown of what to watch in each project, because why not? 🧠

Instead of a pilot, they jumped into the deep end of the digital pool, where the water’s warm and the sharks are all in compliance. 🧠 The bond? Built on Euroclear’s DLT platform-because nothing says “trust” like a blockchain that’s as private as a bank vault. 💸

The investigation claims that over 60% of crypto cases active when Trump returned for Term 2™ were either paused, softened, or straight-up ghosted-like a bad Tinder date. Meanwhile, the rest of Corporate America kept getting audited, fined, and served subpoenas like it was brunch. But crypto? Oh honey, pull up a beanbag and light some incense. 🔮